Stumped

When people ask me "So, how are you?". I can easily answer "I'm good" or "I'm fine, thank you" with a smile. But when I'm asked "So, are you cancer free?", I would usually open and close my mouth without making a sound. I'm stumped. I do not know what to say.

During my treatment, I have a ready answer of "I'm working on it" to that cancer free question. Now, after the treatments, I really don't know. I would really love to answer "yes" but I can't say for sure. My oncologist have not yet ordered a CT scan or a bone scan. And I don't know if I need to do those tests.

There are times when my scar would give me some short, sharp painful moments. I would say it's like being bitten by an ant - sometimes the ant is a giant one; sometimes it's an army of ants, taking turns throughout the day. And paranoia would set in. Thoughts would range from "Oh, no! It's cancer again" to "I'm going to die today". I'd physically shake my head as if to shake these thoughts off.

So, am I cancer free? I guess an educated answer is "No". I may be in remission, but I will have to forever live with cancer, whether I like it or not.