All Messed Up

I am up for a visit to my oncologist. I tried to see her last week but her schedule was full and she does not hold clinic on Saturdays anymore. I was able to get an appointment for tomorrow.

I have been trying to “prepare” myself for this checkup, as my good doctor wants to see my sugar profile, lipid profile, thyroid hormones on top of the standard tests that I usually do. Well, I have not been exactly a good girl, so I am bracing myself for high everything (Bad, bad Vanj!)

What I did not expect was an anxiety attack. How does one deal and cope with that? I woke up calm and relaxed this morning. Then, as I was preparing to go to the laboratory to have my blood extraction, I can feel the onset of an anxiety attack slowly creeping in. I tried to calm myself down, taking deep breaths, praying, even trying to chant myself into oblivion (You can do it! You can do it! You can do it! AHHHH! Paksyet! You can do it! You can do it!); but I still felt anxious; I can even feel my blood pressure slowly going up.

While driving myself to the lab, I tried deep breathing, but somewhere along the way, the long deep breaths became short, shallow breaths! This is not good. So I tried praying, but I can never seem to complete a single sentence/thought. So I just prayed: “Oh, You know what I mean! Amen.” Then chanting: You can do it! You can do it! You can do it! Oopps, was that a red light? You can do it! You can do it! You can do it! Yikes, I think I was supposed to turn right there. You can do it! You can do it! Oh, stop it! You HAVE to do it! Deal with it!

So, I got to the laboratory all wired up. However, in the midst of all this self rallying, self cheering, I managed to remember to bring the betadine solution – just in case the medical technicians have a hard time extracting blood from my right arm, they can do it on my left. How I did it, I really do not know; for I would usually remember to do something one second and then forget about it the next.

I was lucky, we got blood at one go! It was only after the extraction that I find myself relaxing. I felt the energy draining away, or was it the anxiety? Good thing I was kind of leaning on the table when I was presented with the bill, otherwise, I might just find myself picking me up from the floor.

Now, if only this would not happen again when I go to my oncologist tomorrow! However, I do not think I would be able to relax until the appointment is over. I can feel the anxiety coming for me again as early as now, merciless in its death-like grip. Heaven help me when my blood pressure shall be taken tomorrow!

I honestly do not know why I have all these anxieties. I do not know if it is because I was anticipating for a hard time at the lab, or that the results would not be good, or maybe it is just my paranoia – that niggling feeling that something might be wrong with me again. Don’t you just hate it when you’re all messed up UP there? I hate being a wimp.