Life Goes On

It has been a while since I last blogged. The past weeks has been very taxing, but not without a couple of comic moments. Time and again, I have tried to make an entry. I just end up sitting and staring at the computer screen, trying to put into words the jumble of thoughts going through my head; and as the dates indicate, I have not succeeded in doing so, until today.

Sickness has been very busy visiting family members. An aunt had to be operated on for kidney stones. Another aunt, the one taking care of the operated aunt, was found to have problems with her heart, requiring her to be fitted with a pacemaker. The aunt who had her kidney stones removed was also found to be a candidate for pacemaker fitting. Topping the “icing” on sickness cake so generously doled out to us was the news of Papa being diagnosed with cancer himself.

I wanted to complain, loud and make it crystal clear, to some higher being, to some bigwig, the boss, whoever is out there, why are YOU picking on US? What is so special about us? Why make us your favorites? Then when all the rage and emotions were spent (for the moment), I wonder what is in the big picture. Why not us? There must be something special about us that we are being clobbered left, right, front, back, and middle.

The strength, courage, and faith of the family are being sorely tested. There are times that I would just break down and cry, days when I have to force myself out of bed although I really wanted to just sleep and sleep and sleep, days that I find it hard to sleep, times that I find it difficult to breathe, and a lot of times when I would find myself short tempered and having zero tolerance for ineptitude.

As the days passed, I learned that the best way to cope with all these is to just accept, not accept blindly, but accept these trials and try to make the most of everything, understanding that anger and denial are exercises in futility. I have accepted, although with the cold hand of fear holding my heart so tightly. Maybe I worry too much, but then again, shouldn’t I?

Sometimes, I feel like the end of the tunnel is already in sight, with all the accompanying sunshine and silver linings, waiting for me to get there. Then something like this happens and I wonder if I am on the wrong track, going round and round in the dark.