Crossroads

Like the roads everywhere, life's travelling also brings you to the intersections. Sometimes, it's just a plain fork in the road, sometimes, you have a cross, and then there's also the 5-way intersection, maybe more.

So how does one choose? Do you take the road less travelled? Do you take the well worn path? Or do you strike out and make a path of your own? Such are the choices that we must make, knowing that whatever it is that we chose, it will alter the course of our lives. So, we are ever hopeful that the choice we make is the right one; but the bigger questions are: What is the right choice? Is there a right choice? Since we have to live with the choices we make, we tend to "over agonize" with what is presented to us and ask a lot of questions before finally making a decision with the hope that what we did was right.

Like the rest of the human race, my life was and is defined by the choices I made, make, and will make. Everytime I come across such intersection, I try to decide using a two-pronged approach. First, I do it emotionally. This is the instinct, the gut feel, the feeling of what is "right." Then, I would let a few hours or days go by, and then use my head. Logic kicks in and pros and cons are weighed. Then I decide and promise myself that I will not ask "what-if?"

I am in such a fix right now. After hunting for the right job for the last eight years or so, I felt that I finally stumbled into it. Actually, it's more of the job falling into my lap. How could I say no? I did not go looking for this one. It came to me. So what's making me think again?

Yesterday, my dad had his bone scan, and the "picture" that was shown was not pretty at all. He has bone mets all over. When I learned about it, I cried (yet again). My first instinct is to not accept this job and go home and look for one there. After the tears dried up, the logical side of me kicked in: If I indeed go home and work there, I would make my dad very happy, for he has been wanting me to go home for the past eight years or so. Maybe he understood how unhappy I was career-wise.

What's stopping me? Here's the thing: Papa have already accepted his lot, I have not. It is hard for me to think of Papa having cancer, having bone mets without me shedding at least a few drops of tears (sometimes, I think I really am being overdramatic), and I do not know what my reaction will be when I will see Papa everyday. I do not know if I will be strong enough for him. I do not know if I can control my emotions (which is like a runaway train these days). How will Papa feel when he sees my crying every now and then? I will eventually run out of excuses! Oh, believe me, I have already made up a list ranging from "I got dust in my eye" to "I'm practising for the bit role I landed in this drama movie."

Yesterday, when I got the news from my brother, I can't bring myself to call them right away. I have to let the day pass before I can call them, and this I did only because I had a missed call from my mom! I have to harness in the tremendous sadness that I feel so that it will not show in my voice when I talk to them, lest they would worry about me.

I feel like I am running away from my duties, but I honestly do not know if my presence will be helpful or will be detrimental to my dad's health. Who would want to see his/her family breaking down every so often? Would that not make one think that they are already being grieved upon while they are still alive? How will that help them health-wise? We will just be feeding on each other's fears and depression.

My parents are both excited for me to start in this new job. They, too, felt that this is so right for me. Mom has been calling me quite often, asking me if I had already signed the contract, tendered my resignation, etc. Even Dad has set aside his "campaign" to get me home and gave me his blessings. So, I made a compromise with myself. I will accept this new job and try it for a year. If things do not work out for whatever reason, then I will go home. In that year, I will have to make myself accept Papa's lot; perhaps then, I would not be as emotional.

Yes, these things have a funny way of working out on their own, and I will count on that.