Questions

During the meeting with my doctors, I learned a lot. My first instinct is to have Quadrantectomy with Radiation Therapy or QUART for short. Then, another doctor friend says it is better to have Radical Mastectomy, so as not to worry about some microscopic cancer cells that might be left behind if I have QUART. I could have reconstruction if I want to, meaning I'll have a fake Louise and a real Thelma! Hmmm....not so appealing to me. When I found out that I would need further surgeries for this, I put my foot down and said NO to reconstruction. I don't want to undergo 3 surgeries in a year! If it's going to be mastectomy, so be it!

And then a thought popped into my head. So I asked: If I have mastectomy, will I lost my sense of balance? Will I be walking like a crab? (No pun intended here. Just an honest question. But you can laugh if you want, I won't be offended as I was half laughing, half embarassed when I asked the question.)

No, of course not. Maybe a sense of imbalance at first. Then Ate Genie asked the question I've been scared to ask; being not sure if I really want to know the answer. She asked if I could play badminton. The answer was unanimous - Yes, you can! *Whew!* I love my sister in law!

Then I went to the medical oncologist, accompanied by Papa and Ate. When we finally sat down for a consultation, her first sentence was: So what do you want to know?

It took all my willpower to stay in my chair and not walked out of her office then and there. I looked at the doctor and answered: I don't know what questions to ask. I'm new with this disease. I'm rather hoping that you could enlighten me on what lay ahead of me; what I should expect, etc.

SCOREBOARD for bitchiness:
Doctor: 0 Vangie: 1,000,000

GO ME!!!!

Doctors' Conference

Nerd asked me to go to the hospital the day after my diagnosis so that I can further consult with my doctors. I asked Pa to go with me and he readily agreed. This is my way of telling him that things will be fine. I want him to hear it straight from the doctors' mouth that I will beat the crap out of this big C.

At the hospital, I was surprised to find that I'm scheduled to see 3 doctors at the same time. It turned out that Nerd called them to his office for a "meeting". Wow! VIP treatment! So, I met my medical team that afternoon (or part of it anyway). I met with one surgeon, one plastic surgeon, and two orthopaedic surgeons (Nerd and Ate Genie). The oncologist didn't make it to the meeting as she's still seeing patients.

So we discussed what options I have. What kind of surgery will I have? We narrowed it down to 3 options: Quadrantectomy (or Lumpectomy), Modified Radical Mastectomy with Reconstruction, or Radical Mastectomy.

Oh, boy! At this point, I have only found out for sure that I have cancer for two days, and there I was, digesting a ton of medical information; and spewing it out too! *Groan* Information overload!

Cousins

One of the cousins who I used to babysit when they were toddlers is Virra Joy. She tied the knot last December 27, 2004. She's a cousin who is 8 or 9 years younger. Through the years, I've seen her grow from an infant to a toddler who would jump at me on the top of the stairs at their home when I visit (it's a wonder that we never fell down those steps) to a grade schooler. I "lost" touch with her for some years while I was in college but we reconnected when she entered college. I was blessed to see how an awkward teenager blossomed into a lady and now, a woman. Never had I seen her more radiant than she was on her wedding day! Congratulations, Virra!

Another cousin who holds a spot in my heart is Claire. Unlike Virra, I got to really know Claire when she came to stay with us for her bar review and exam. In the span of one short month, I grew to love her to bits. I love to tease her for she never failed to rise to the bait. I also love to play badminton with her for I can beat her (hehehe; I still hope to do so by December!). In some ways, she's still a kid. A lovely lady and a kid at the same time. And then, of course, there's Christine, the beloved younger sister, who could resist her?

We have cousins a plenty on Dad's side, if I'm not mistaken, I think we're at least 50! And these are the two who I hold most dear.

Breaking the News

The next thing to do is the hardest part for me - to break the news to my parents.

Nerd caught me crying my eyes out in his clinic. He tried to console me, saying that everything will be all right; that the family's there, etc. etc. I said I wasn't crying about that. I was crying because I don't want to burden the folks with the bad news. I'm worried about them.

I finally gathered myself together and we went home (the brother closed his clinic for the rest of the day). When we got home, I told Mom and Dad. Ma hugged me and started crying. Pa just sat in his chair, stunned, not saying anything. He refused to believe the news. Sis still don't know the news as she's at an internet cafe.

Between Nerd and I, we said that even though the news aren't good, it was good that we caught it early; and that's the most important part. Mom's more vocal, her way of dealing with the news. It's Dad I'm worried about. He just sat there, not saying anything, staring quietly ahead. When Olive (the sister) came home, I told her. She was shocked and kept asking: "What now?"

Being forced to face this crisis, we don't have a choice but to be there for each other. We WILL get through this!

Innocents' Day

I finally got my ultrasound in CDO on December 28th. It's Innocents' Day on the Roman calendar (hope I got this right). What could go wrong? Right?

I went to see Dr. Sam Balo, a surgeon. After looking at my mammogram plates and results, he gave me a thorough exam and asked me to get that ultrasound. Dr. Ann Co, my radio-onco friend, is at the hospital at the time. She did my ultrasound (after securing the necessary permission, of course). Ann said that the lump on the left indeed have some calcifications (not good) but the edges looks smooth (very good). She measured the mass and it was around 1.9 cm in diameter (not so good). The lump on the right have no calcifications (good) and is smaller in size (better).

Now that the ultrasound's done, I need to have the masses biopsied. Dr. Balo had explained earlier two options for biopsy: (1) Fine Needle Aspiration and (2) Local Excision. He opted to have the FNA for me. Dr. Jean from the hospital's pathology department came over to my brother's clinic to do the biopsy procedure herself. I only have one word for that procedure: AWWWWOUCH!

After Dr. Jean left to look at the tissue sample, brother came in. Then, he has to look at a patient. Five minutes later, the phone rang. Nerd (brother's name) answered. He practically shouted: "F**K! You sure?...Any chance of it going the other way?...ok...thanks!" Talk about subtlety. I felt myself going cold, shivering. I knew then that it's cancer for sure.

Monsters, Inc.

In the meantime, life went on.

A good friend asked me if I'm scared or worried about the lumps. I gave it a thought and then shook my head "No". It is useless to be worried or scare myself out of my wits trying to figure out if I have cancer or not. And in the event that they are cancerous, no amount of fretting would obliterate those cells. So, let's just grin and bear it, the Earth won't stop spinning for me.

It's just like in the movie Monsters, Inc. , in the end, the monsters just used the positive energy of the children's laughter instead of the frightened screams for power. So, why entertain dark thoughts? They might consume you, and it's not good!

So, SMILE! LAUGH! Count your blessings!

Huh?

When I got my results the following day, I checked what was written. Words like microcalcifications, nodules, palpable masses leapt out to me. Huh? It's not making any sense. So, I re-read the entire thing. Still duh?! The most I can understand is that I needed further tests, ultrasound and something else; and that I have lumps on both Thelma and Louise.

I called up my brother and we agreed to have the further tests in Cagayan de Oro when I go home for the holidays. In the meantime, life goes on!

Are You Sure?

I was able to finally schedule my mammogram for December 10, 2004.

The technician who will do my mammogram turned out to be a Chinese lady, probably in her mid to late 20's, early 30's at most. One look at my request form, and she started asking me all kinds of questions: Why are you going to get a mammogram? Who told you to get one? Have you seen a doctor? But you're too young to get a mammogram! etc, etc. My, oh, my! This is a job for the diosa powers! After a few more minutes of question and answer, I finally convinced her that I really DO need that mammogram! Whew! So this is how a beauty contestant feel!

The whole procedure was surprisingly pain-free and not at all unpleasant. I have heard of ladies coming out crying rivers of tears, scaring off the next patient. I was lucky to have a very thorough and considerate technician, once I was able to convince her that it wasn't a figment of my imagination. My only regret is that I wasn't able to get her name. But I was able to thank her, though. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to bump into her again next time; and then I'll ask her name.

In Search of...

A week after, the lump's still there. Drats! I decided to call up my Radio-Onco doctor friend in Cebu, Ann. She told me to get a mammogram as soon as possible and requested that I inform her of the results.

When my brother flew to Manila on the first weekend of December, I asked him about having a mammogram. He said to just have it in Cagayan de Oro. Okidoks! When I told Ann that I'm putting off the mammogram until I get to CDO, she disagreed. Better that I get it done in Manila than in CDO.

Okay, so I asked some doctor friends if I could get the test done in PGH. Was told that the mammogram machine is busted. In the end, I had it done at Manila Doctors' Hospital, test request by Dr. Greg Azores, Orthopaedic Surgeon.

How many women can say that their orthopaedic surgeon requested for their mammogram? See? Life is funny!

What's this?

Last November 25, 2004, I was at home enjoying my own company. Sis is out on a date. Oprah was on TV. The show was showing how healthy organs should look like. At the same time, it was frightening the audience to be more concious about their health. Splendid!

Then, I thought that it's been quite a while (a year or so) that I last did self breast examination. Hhhhmmm......what's this thing here? On the 11 o'clock position of my left breast, I felt a lump, wait, it was more like a pebble that got into my system. And, hhmmmm, it's strangely shaped like one of those cancer cells shown on that liver! Uuggh!

Back on track...naahhh, it's just those lumps that comes with the menstrual cycle. I'll check again next week.

And I happily settled down once more to finish the show.