Tattoo

I spoke with my parents yesterday. Just catching up. They were glad that I'm done with chemo. Hardest part's over. Radiotherapy should be a walk in the park.

When I told mom that I'll be going in for my RT planning this Tuesday, she's happy that I'm getting ready for the 2nd part of my treatment. But when I told her I'm getting tattooed, she was aghast! Tattoo? Why do I need tattooes?

I laughed and explained that the markers (just tiny dots the size of a very small mole) for the radiotherapy treatment have to be tatooed on me since this will go on for six and a half weeks. We could hardly keep on marking every so often with not so permanent markers. I don't know how many dots I'll be getting, but I think it's probably between 3 and 6.

Well, I got my head shaved, now I'm getting tatooed! Wonder what's next?

Mindboggling

I'm still trying to come to terms that I have indeed finished my chemotherapy sessions. I still can't believe that I'm done with that. I guess I have to come to terms with it SOON, as I will be embarking on the next treatment in 3 weeks' time.

The weekend saw me catnapping for two days. I'm never this pooped out after a treatment. The weekend also saw half of my baby hair shed off and stuck on my pillow, hats, and scarves. =)

Now, I'm scrambling to get the Biafine RE emulsion in time for my radiotherapy treatment which will start on June 20th. I've asked for help and Gigi have called for the cavalry!

I feel like I'm in a limbo. On one hand, I am glad that I've finished with my chemotherapy. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if the six cycles is really enough to lower the risk of recurrence. I think I'm probably like some paranoid patients. I dread the treatment and yet I also dread the end of the treatment. Chemo brain making twisted reasoning again! Have to snap out of it, fast!

Sad Day

Yesterday was a pretty sad day for me. Nope, I did not bawl my eyes out from crying but I was pretty sad enough to have me catnapping most of the day.

I received a SMS/text in the morning, informing me that one of the ladies in my support group passed away last Tuesday. I have only met this lady once in February. She was going on her last week of radiotherapy then, and was very much looking forward to living the future.

After the meeting, I did not know what happened to her but she sends an occasional email to the group saying she's fighting her pain but is glad that the group is there to lend support, even if only virtually. I chose to believe that this was post treatment pain; perhaps at the back of my mind, I'm trying to deny the obvious.

I found out later on that after her radiotherapy, she was found to be in recurrence. And within a month's time, her cancer have progressed from stage 2 to stage 4! Talk about agressive cancer!

I wanted to go to her wake, but I find that I can't muster enough energy to drive all the way to Greenmeadows. So I catnapped, and just prayed for her.

Go in peace, my friend, for you are now free of pain.

Graduation Day

I had to have my lab work done last Wednesday, a day before my last chemo cycle. In the lab, we had a diffucult time looking for a "working" vein to extract my blood. We even have to take a break in between to rest my right arm a bit. Blood is not be extracted from the left side as much as possible (even taking of blood pressure is to be avoided on this side) as it is my operated side. With the extraction of 9 lymph nodes, my body is unable to flush out toxins as efficiently. So, all test are to be avoided on this side.

The lab technician (the most experienced one) is finally able to extract blood when she decided to do it on my "petrified" vein (this is what I call my vein which have already turned hard and is tender to touch). I almost yelped out in pain. I did not shout, but I definitely stood up from my seat! I rested for about another 10 minutes before leaving the lab.

The dreaded Thursday finally came (I can't stop the world from spinning, much as I want to). Funny, to think that I would be looking forward to this as it is the last chemo treatment. I dragged my hefty ass to the hospital (Olive and my mom actually think that I might skip the treatment). Olive's working, so I asked a friend to meet me at the hospital.

I got to the hospital early, and dutifully texted Olive that I'm there already. Finally, around 1045, we started my treatment. The IV needle was inserted in one go (thank God! but it still hurts). And I dozed on and off during the treatment, feeling dizzy and out of it.

Treatment finally finished around 130PM. I decided to wait for the radiooncologist who will do my radiotheraphy treatments, which will start in 3 weeks.

We finally got to consult with the good doctor around 330PM. So, by 4PM, we were done. My friend drove me home. And that was my graduation day.

Progress

Top Left: This picture was taken around 18 days ago
Top Right: This picture was taken this morning

In a span of less than three weeks, my hair have grown from sparse to a "shadow". This is exciting! It has also probably grown around .001 mm longer.

Bottom Left: This is what I hope my hair will be in another 4 weeks, although mine should be thicker...
Bottom Right: This is how I will look 3 months from now!

As the wise Yoda will say: Hair in 3 months, I will have.

Upside

I've always ranted about the downside of having cancer and going through chemotherapy. Complaining and whining about this and that. With nothing much to do, I pondered on the upside of things. Here's what I come up with:

1. Baldness - gives one the luxury of taking a bath anytime (very important because of the hot weather) - without having to worry about styling one's hair afterwards; without having to hurry through shampooing because one is pressed for time; without having to worry about drying one's hair. Baldness also makes one look at self and truly see one's self in the mirror. Not to mention being able to brag that at one point in life, I lived to be bald! =)

2. Maintenance free - one is exempt from the maintenance the ladies go through periodically. I meant here the waxing, shaving and tweezing of unwanted body hair. Yeah, it's a bit expensive though; definitely NOT recommended for long term upkeep! *LOL*

3. Friendships - old ones are rekindled and new ones are forged. What more can a person ask for?

4. Pampered - I get to be pampered by family and friends. I always have people asking how I am; anything particular I want; any particular dish that I'm craving for. I always have been a simple girl with simple needs. Getting all these attention, being treated like a princess, being treated like some fragile stuff do overwhelm me. I'm cherishing these moments.

5. Live the life! - As I come to terms with my mortality, I have learned to live the life each day. If I am able to make a difference in someone's life once a week, then I considered myself truly blessed.

Another One Bites the Dust

Kylie Minogue

Australian singer Kylie Minogue was diagnosed to have breast cancer this week. A day after the announcement, her website is said to be overloading.

It is sad to know that another woman have been diagnosed with breast cancer. But then again, breast cancer cases are on the rise. Not to panic, for more and more survivors are living longer without recurrence. With the advanced medical options we have nowadays, I think breast cancer can easily be licked. What a person diagnosed with this disease needs to have is a positive attitude and outlook, for this will help a lot when one is undergoing treatment. Do not wallow in self pity or depression.

I'm sure with the announcement of Kylie's condition, more women, I hope men too, will be more aware of the possibility of getting breast cancer. Genetic risk could be a factor, yes, but studies have shown that these cases comprise less than 10% of the cases diagnosed. More and more, studies have shown the correlation of lifestyle, diet and stress factors to be the culprit of this disease; triggering the growth of cancer cells. I do not know how true it is, and I don't mean to scare anyone, but I have read somewhere that all people have dormant cancer cells in their bodies. So the lifestyle factor, the diet factor, the stress factor have roles to play in the growth of cancer cells. This makes sense to me, for there's no family history in my case.

I'm pretty sure Ms. Kylie Minogue will be very vocal about this disease after her treatments. Good for her, we need more spokepersons for cancer, breast and otherwise.

Soothing

After a turbulent 3 weeks, I need something to soothe me. A week more of that tension would probably have me plunged into depression. It was hairline close.

The shopping last weekend is probably the start of the mending. Last night, I went to UP. That place always have a calming effect on me. I'm glad I did. A few hours there with a buddy worked wonders. Now, if I could just cap it off with a road trip, maybe things would be swell again! =)

What's ruffling my feathers nowadays is probably the thought of my last chemo, scheduled for next Thursday. I know I should be looking forward to it, as it heralds the end of one treatment; and the start of the next. But somehow, I dread it. Just thinking about it sometimes have me tasting bile in my mouth; or have me gagging. I am psyching myself up, though. One more to go, and the rest would just be a walk in the park. I CAN DO THIS! =)

I'm bringing out my imaginary pompoms to cheer me on. One more. And I graduate.

Retail Not So Therapy

Last Sunday, probably against the advise of the doctors (if they only knew), I went to Robinson's with Olive. It was a payday weekend, and the entire mall was on sale. It was extremely hot, so we popped into the mall for some "free" airconditioning.

Yeah, right!

Airconditioning's free, all right. But the stuff that beckons and winks at you are not (and the stuff really whistles and waves to you from the shelves). Since I need some clothes - read jeans, slacks, shorts, blouses and shoes or maybe I should just say outright that I need a whole new wardrobe :-p, Olive and I decided to browse around, hunt for sale items.

First stop - the Ladies' Wear section of the department store. I quickly picked up 4 pairs of jeans and a pair of slacks and head for the line at the dressing room. Olive got a couple of jeans too. When our turn finally came, Olive and I crammed into a cubicle. We just laughed our heads off at the sight of ourselves trying to squirm into the pants we picked up. All were severely undersized (of course it has to be the clothes that are undersized!). After trying on a pair, we gave up and returned all the items we got. No luck there. Let's try the shops in the mall.

On our way out, we got sidetracked by some blouses on a bargain bin. We were able to pick out some and paid for the items.

Once out, we went to Rockport since I need some shoes. I have 4 wearable pairs, all the rest are candidates for the trash. Carlson (of the Fab 5) would be horrified! I have a shoe drought! *big belly laughter* I almost bought 2 pairs but I stopped myself in time. I still have other stuff to buy. Next time. Darn budget!

After Rockport, we went to Giordano. I picked out a pair of linen pants, shorts and jeans - all of which I bought. Sheeesh! Those things are not on sale as they are new stuff. Awwww. But hey, they're so nice. I am pleased with my purchases. My bank account, however, is not. *LOL* As with all shopaholics, I felt a sense of wellness afterwards.

One lesson I learned though, the airconditioning at Robinson's is not enjoyed for free. And what I did, not so therapeutic to the pockets. I just felt a slight twinge of guilt, is all. =)

Next shopping spree: October!

See You!

I went back to consult with the surgeon last Friday. I was there with my mammogram and ultrasound results. At that point, I was beyond feeling any panic or nervousness - or so I would like to think. Numb - I think that's how I felt.

Since I got to the hospital with time to spare, I decided to take the stairs to the doctor's clinic. The clinic is on the 10th floor. I parked on the 4th. Six flights of stairs, can it be so bad? Up I go, one flight at a time. I finally got to the 10th floor. Man, I am out of breath, big time! I was gasping for breath. Heehee. I'm really out of shape!

While waiting for my turn, the doctor's assistant measured my arms again (to check for signs of lymphedema - swelling of arms due to poor body "waste" expulsion); they measured the same. Then, I got on the weighing scale, woh! I lost 2 pounds from the last time I was there (which was three weeks ago). Must be the effect of the stairclimbing. *grin* (Yeah, I tell myself whatever I want to justify something. )

My consultation went well. The doctor's pleased with the results. The node that sent us panicking for the past three weeks seems to be gone (the doctors, both oncologist and surgeon, can't palpate it anymore). In its stead is another node at another position, which both doctors were able to palpate. But the surgeon isn't overly concerned, more so when he found out that I have yet to finish my chemo treatment and start on the radiotherapy.

The surgeon sent me home, congratulating me for the good results. He'll see me again after my radiotherapy treatments. The thorn on my side that has been bothering me for almost a month is finally gone. I thanked him and smiled (this time, it's easy to) and said: See you!

Lopsided Girl

Lopsided girl - that's me! =)

I woke up this morning feeling some pain on the right side of my face. It's probably from those mouth sores that's been wanting to break out for a couple of days now. It's tolerable pain, no need for painkillers.

Imagine my shock when I got to the office and really saw my face (I was still half asleep when I looked into the mirror earlier at home) - my right jaw is swollen! I looked like one of those jeeps with tire skirts, but I only have it on the right side! *LOL* Or I looked like having just emerged from a round with Manny Pacquiao, sans the discoloring. ;-) I have the office help bought me an ice bag and now I'm cold compressing my face. The swelling has gone down a bit. Seems like the cold compress's working.

Oh, life! In tagalog, "Hay, buhay!"

Tests and Stress

This week have been full of half days at work since Wednesday. Mornings, I'd report to work and the afternoons are spent in the hospital, getting mammogram, ultrasound and doctor follow ups. Today would be no different. I'll be consulting the surgeon later yet again; this time with my mammo and ultrasound results.

I consulted with my oncologist yesterday, showed her my mammo and ultrasound results and she's quite satisfied. But she said it will be the surgeon who will decide what course of action to take next. So, I have to see the surgeon this afternoon, and hopefully, he'll clear me and this will be the end of the battery of tests - for now, anyway.

Those who are undergoing treatments for cancer are supposed to take it easy. Avoid stress. Well, it's been a very stressful three weeks; half of the time of which had me going bonkers thinking about possible recurrence, and the other half had me still going bonkers thinking what course of action to take in case there is indeed a recurrence.

I have been grouchy, crabby, sulky, sully and probably more. Most of the time, it's been a real effort to smile and to try to find humor in the situation. I feel sorry for the people around me, for they have to cope with my mood swings. I try to paint on a happy face everyday, sometimes I succeed, but sometimes I fail, for that I apologize.

Macho Man

"Macho, macho man. I wanna be a macho man" These are the words the Olive's singing to me last night. But she's pronouncing them "matsu matsu maaan....ay wanna be, a matsu maaan".

The heat's been sweltering the past week. It's so hot almost 24 hours a day. When I got home last night, I changed into a tank top (men's cut though) and removed my hat. When I saw myself in the mirror, I was laughing myself silly at my image. I looked like Mr. Clean of the 70's TV commercial. Bald, with earrings and looking all beefy (more likely, fat) and macho.

I mentioned to Olive and Faith that one of their friends might even feel "threatened" if he sees me right now. I can easily stand beside him and match him point for point in the physical attributes, well, maybe except for height. *LOL*

So, we sang..."matsu, matsu maaan...." into the night.

Tub of Lard

I bumped into our landlord and his wife this morning inside the elevator. I haven't seen him for more than a year, but I have spoken with the lovely missus a few times this year. They knew about my illness so they asked after me.

Mrs. Landlord's kind enough to tell me that I looked good and healthy. Mr. Landlord, though, is entirely another story. When he saw me, he asked how I'm doing and then proceeded to snort (maybe not intentional since he's on oxygen) and say that I do not look sick at all. "Ang TABA nga, e" (You're so fat)

Oh, lordy! It's not yet even 8 in the morning, and I have to take this? *groan and sigh* Made me feel as attractive as a tub of lard. Should I just yanked out his oxygen tube? Isn't he quite rude? As evil thoughts raced through my mind, I just grinned and bore it and carried on the chitchat. Well, maybe the images helped. *LOL* My, my, I'm so wicked! And so early in the morning. Tit for tat? Maybe it's the "signature" of their generation, maybe some people think that with age, they can get away with anything.

Reality checked again. I really should lose some more weight after all these treatments.

An Almost Perfect "O"

With a face like this, who needs coins? *wink* I myself have noticed that my face is no longer oval, it's now round like the peso coins you can find in your pockets. An almost perfect "O".

Although the weighing scale have only indicated that I added on one pound since I started my chemo treatments, my body is saying otherwise. I think I've lost muscle mass and in its place, piled up quite a bit of adipose tissues (fats).

Olive got a couple of VCDs last weekend on belly dancing. I think she figures that if I can't start getting back to active life since it entails dressing up and going outdoors, then she'd bring indoors some activity that I can start on.

Belly dancing? Why not? Although I've got no rhythm in my bones, I'd like to try that out. I've watched the CD and even followed a few moves, but I did it lying down on the bed! Hehehe. I'm hopeless, a basket case. Well, I'll try it out, hopefully sometime within the week. Maybe then, I can put some rhythm into my body.

Melting Moments

I took my usual weekend leave after each chemo cycle. Boy, summer's really here upon us! Saturday's the worst. It is said that the temperature then had reached a whopping high of 42 degrees Celsius. I think that's a record here. The airconditioning have a hard time trying to cool the room. No wonder - 42 degrees!

I am blessed that I am bald nowadays, but with the hot flushes, I still sweat a great deal. Olive's boyfriend wanted to tear his hair out because of the heat - that made me laugh. Made me realised that there's indeed a silver lining in the clouds.

I forgot to take my afternoon dose of Decilone (steroid drug that will keep you up) last Saturday. By the time I realised it, it was already 8PM. Uh-oh, does this mean I will be awake the whole night? So, I texted my oncologist and asked if I can still take the medication that late in the day. She said yes. I took the meds and sure enough, my reaction is the exact OPPOSITE of what's to be expected. In thirty to forty five minutes, I feel sleepy. Perhaps it's the heat, so hot that it's melting even me.

I got lucky, I went to sleep that night less than an hour after I took an upper. I think it only means one thing - the drug lords will have a hard time getting me hooked on the uppers! *LOL*

Oscar No More

Oscar, that should be my new name. I've been so grouchy since Tuesday. Maybe because I am dealing with the 7,100 sores (of course the number is vastly exaggerated) I have in my mouth. I have to go on a soft diet. That plus the thought of another chemo looming ahead, is enough to send me into grouchland. Oscar, the Grouch? Move aside! You ain't no grouch compared to me! I am even fed up with my own grouchiness! Yikes!

So, yesterday was chemo no. 5. I really dreaded going to the hospital. But, I have to, for all you guys out there! and then some. =)

Got to the hospital around 930 in the morning. When we (Olive and I) got to the Ambulatory Care Unit, I was surprised to see so many patients. All chairs except one were occupied. Oh, that's for me, no escaping this one. We finally started my treatment 1130. When the IV needle was inserted into my vein, I almost yelped out in pain. And when they started to inject the pre-treatment medication, I was on the verge of tears. I was really wallowing in self pity at the time. Then, I mentally slapped myself and told me to stop all this drama, to stop overacting! Well, that worked. Maybe I should have done that earlier. *sheepish grin* By 2PM, we were done. I then went down to the billing section to file for my Philhealth. That took about another hour.

Finally left the hospital around 3PM. But this time, Olive and I were hungry, so we look at our options where to have our lunch. We ended up at Mc Donald's. I know, I know. Hold your horses. I know I'm not supposed to eat greasy food, but the Mc Chicken sandwich never tasted so good, inspite of the pain with each bite. But I just had my chemo; all those toxic drugs should do their job (what twisted logic!).

After the 4 o'clock lunch, Olive and I went on retail therapy. Not really a smart move, considering there will be a sale next weekend. But by then, I can't really go shopping then because my immune system will start to dive at that time. What fun is there when you don't do the hunting yourself? Besides, I really have no patience for the long lines at the counters. Another twisted logic here but bear with me! =)

Since I didn't get my usual afternoon nap (after chemo treatments), I crashed around 10 last night. Today, I woke up at 645. Why? My stomach was grumbling, demanding to be fed. Much as I want to ignore it, I can't. Not for the next few days. Not unless I want hyperacidity.

As of the moment, I feel great, my mouth sores are a whole lot better, I think I've left grouchland *yipee!*. I have to return that right to Oscar, anyway, lest Jim Henson come and pull my leg tonight!

Back to Back Treat

Last Saturday, I skipped work in favor of an out of town trip with my cancer support group, i Can Serve. It was really more of a time to be away from the "normal" world and be with the people who share a sickness.

It was fun just hanging out, still swapping stories about our operations, chemo treatments, etc. Also, since it's really hot in Manila nowadays, a day at Sta. Rosa with all the breeze we can get sure is a nice change.

At the same time, the group hosted a summer outing to some 10 kids from the National Children's Hospital, all of which were afflicted with cancer. It was nice to see them enjoying the day, escaping their illness for a few hours.

Then, on Monday, a friend treated me to a foot massage and pedicure! Would love to get a whole body massage but I don't think my body's just up for it. My limbs hurts from the chemo, as do some of my scars. I just don't want to be groaning and moaning the next day because I have aggravated the pain with a massage! So, I settled for the foot massage. It was good while it lasted, now, some parts of my left leg hurt when pressed. I guess the pressure of the massage was too hard. :-p

But, the long weekend was great all in all. I had a good time.

Emails from Friends

One reason I have this blog is to keep my good friends, who are now based all over the world, posted about my condition. How I am coping, what is happening with me, etc.

After I posted about the possibility of having a recurrence, a couple of them sent me emails. Receiving those mails have lifted me up. At the same time reminding me to keep on fighting the cancer. Thank you, guys! Your emails helped me to get it together again.

So, I screwed on my logical head and threw out the emotional one. These are the facts:
(1) The first sonogram results showed that although there was a solid mass (indicative of tumor cell), there was no calcifications indicated (calcifications of a mass usually indicates cancer cells).
(2) I'm Estrogen Receptor and Progesterone Receptor positive. This means that I should be very receptive to chemotherapy treatments.
(3) I'm HER-2/NEU negative. This means that my cancer cells are not the agressive type.
(4) The surgeon who saw me last Friday is not overly concerned and was satisfied with my operation.
(5) I'm just being paranoid!

Hmp! Of all the facts here, I do not like #5. Falling apart at the seams is not pretty. Falling apart for no good reason is even worse. Lesson learned: with this sickness, I should be more logical than emotional. Think first before jumping to conclusions. And let not my imagination run away with me. Phhhbbbbttttt! :-p Phooey to me!

Lights On, Lights Off

Amid all these hullabahoo about my condition, Boyd decided to act up. When I was ablout to leave the parking building, I noticed that my brake lights are on. Strange, I didn't turn on any light on my way up the parking building. I thought I might have switched it on by mistake and didn't notice what I did, being preoccupied and all.

I checked again and realised that my brake lights are shorted and would not go out. Man! What good timing! Perhaps this is happening so I'll be distracted? Talk about added stress. My mind went blank and I called up a friend (looking back, I should have called my mechanic). He knew what I was going through at that time and he volunteered to come over to the hospital to fix my brake lights. In the meantime, I was just to leave my car and go on up the clinic. Fixed the lights, he did, even just temporarily. Just so that my car battery won't drain and I can get to go home. God bless him.

Yesterday afternoon, when I got home from Sta. Rosa (had an outing with some people from the cancer support group), the guard told me that my brake lights were on since morning. Oh, no! My car battery! I tried to start the car, but just heard the battery went dead. What now, brown cow? Will think of something, TOMORROW.

Then last night, as I was preparing for bed, I switched on the light in the bathroom, nothing happened. Lights are out here, too! Hmmm...is it the dark ages for me? So, I took a bath and brushed my teeth with the lights coming from the bedroom. I did not even bother to light any candles. And then I went to bed, and had a good night's rest.

Respite

I went to St. Luke's to consult with the surgeon that my oncologist recommended. On my way there, Nerd called up to ask how my 2D echo and ultrasound went. I told him that I'll get my 2D echo results either Saturday or Monday; and that Olive's results are good but I'm on my way to see a surgeon.

That sent warning bells ringing so loud in my brother's head! I told him that we have to calm down first (yeah, right! good thing he wasn't around earlier that afternoon.) and see how things turn out after my consult. I also told him not to tell the folks just yet as it might be all for nothing.

A little later, my original surgeon, Sam (he was the one who operated on me) called me up, I told him I'll get back to him after I parked. All these panicky phone calls while I'm driving is not good! I might end up in an accident, and leave this world not because of the big c but because of phone calls! That might be a bit embarassing.

After I parked, I called up Sam and he was worried as well. We discussed my ultrasound result and he said that chances of the cancer recurring at this time is, if not almost, nil; but to go ahead and see the surgeon so that we will all have peace of mind. I promised to keep him posted of the developments and hung up.

I waited for the good doctor at his clinic. While waiting, I was reading a medical magazine that the clinic subscribe to. I think I read more than 5 articles, all of which made no sense, my thoughts were somewhere else.

I finally got to see the surgeon around 6PM. By then, I have calmed down sufficiently (or so I would like to think). The doctor examined me. He said my surgeon did a good job. He was not overly concerned that it might be a recurrence; he's pretty sure that it is just fibrosis (thickening of tissues). But with this sickness, we all want to be 100% sure. So now, I have orders for a mammogram and another ultrasound! Boy oh boy!

I called up the Breast Center in St. Luke's yesterday to have my mammogram and sonogram scheduled. The first opening would be on May 11th yet! I took the slot. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this respite.