Tossed Up

I got our ultrasound results this morning. Olive got a clean bill of health, yay! I, on the other hand, have to go see a surgeon again.

There was a solid mass seen in the sonogram. It is lobular in shape, but with no calcifications or abnormal vascularity seen.

I was able to talk to the doctor who did the sonogram and he suggested that I see my surgeon and oncologist. At this point, he said it is his gut feel that the mass seen is scar tissue, but the only way to rule out recurrence of cancer is to have a biopsy.

I admit I'm stumped. I felt cold, numb. I am reacting more negatively than I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not sure if I can handle going through another operation, mentally and emotionally speaking. I feel all tossed up inside.

I called my oncologist to tell her about the findings. She asked me to go to this surgeon later this afternoon. I agreed. Better to put everything into perspective and see the whole picture rather than wonder what it is all about. In the meantime, I'm scared shitless. I guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Meredith and Gretchen

Just wanted to post the picture of my favorite team in the Amazing Race 7. They kicked ass (especially Gretchen at the road block) on the last leg, checking in as team no. 2. Yay! I'm still hoping (against hope?) that they can be one of the top 3 teams going for the final leg.

Clowning Around

Yesterday afternoon, after the trip to Chinatown, Olive, Faith and I were spending the rest of the afternoon at home, eating our food loot and just talking and whiling the time away. It was too hot to do anything except eat and drink.

I was convincing Olive that I don't need to shave my head anymore. I have baby hair all over my head now as compared to the buzz that grew a while back. My head do not ache if you rub it because this time around, it's more baby hair (that are only an eighth of an inch long) than the coarse ones that grows back after you shave.

Olive rubbed my head again and agreed. We should not be shaving anymore. She then held her thumb and forefinger together on my head, as if holding to a bunch of hair daintily, I began to shake my head violently, simulating the act of having Olive pull out my hair in bunches. We had a good laugh.

What heat can do! *LOL*

Chinatown Trip

I finally got the ultrasound and the 2D-Echocardiogram done yesterday. I had it at the laboratory where I always have my lab works done (CBC, Liver workup, etc.) I was scheduled to have my 2D-Echo at 1PM, then my ultrasound after that. Olive also came along to have her ultrasound done too.

I left the office at 1130AM to pick up Olive (and Faith) at home before heading for Binondo (Chinatown). Since our schedule will start at 1PM, Olive and I made plans to have lunch first before going to the lab. Faith tagged along, for lunch and for moral support. We finally got to the laboratory at 115, after wolfing down a hurried lunch since we got caught in traffic.

I was glad I had my 2D-Echo and ultrasound done there. The technicians were really friendly and put us at ease. They were also very thorough with their work. So thorough that I have to go back there tomorrow morning to have my ultrasound done again. The technician wanted their affiliated doctor to redo my ultrasound, to rule out any mass that might be tumors right away. I think the thickness that my oncologist and I were able to palpate is just the surgical scar tissue that have thickened. But to be sure, I am getting that sonogram. Again, I wondered at my calmness. Other survivors I know will be freaking out, having sleepness nights worrying if it might be another tumor.

We were done after more than two hours of labwork. And then, we all went a-shopping - food shopping! Hehehe...we were getting treats left and right. After going to a bakery, a mini-mart and a food-mart, we decided that we have enough food with us and went home.

Tomorrow, I have to go back to have my ultrasound redone, I'm know that I'll be leaving the laboratory with good news (although there's a small voice nagging away at me to be prepared for the worst too). By Saturday, I should have my 2D-Echo results (the lab will be sending my tape to Philippine Heart Center today). Until then, I will not worry my elephant-do head any.

Dumbo Jumbo or Jumbo Dumbo?

Yesterday afternoon, I have to leave the office quite suddenly. Around 2PM, some guys from termite control pop into office and started to spray at the termite colonies found in the office. Five minutes after, I started coughing and heaving. Since it's my 2nd week post a chemo cycle, it means my immune system would be at its lowest. I deem it best to get out of the office, out of the fumes of the anti termite concoction that is floating about the office. Not that I'm complaining, I get to go home early! *big grin*

At home, Olive and I decided to continue with the West Wing series we were watching. Then, as is the habit of Olive (which she picked up fairly recent), she started to rub my head. She stopped mid-rub and said: Achi, you look like an elephant. You need to shave again.

*LOL*

Nope, Olive wasn't referring to my size, rather she's referring to my hair, what few strands I have anyway. I looked into the mirror and agreed. I have baby hair growing sparingly on my head. I also have some coarse hair growing too. But they still fall out, so while I'm still having my chemo treatments, I will continue to to shave my head for the chrome dome effect. I just hope Olive won't be over zealous with shaving my head when the time comes that I can grow my hair. Otherwise, I'll have to stay bald the rest of my life!

*LOL*

Countdown to Graduation

I was talking to my mechanic a while ago, trying to figure out when to have Boyd's front suspension fixed. It was then that I realised I'm going to have my 5th chemo cycle next week! Wow! I should start a countdown. 5 more weeks and I'll be having my LAST cycle (yipee!). 8 more weeks and I should be out of these "chemo side effect" woods (keeping my fingers crossed)! It just seems like a few weeks ago that I started my chemotherapy.

I am going into this with mixed emotions. I dread the forthcoming chemo treatments, for its effect have been piling up. And yet, I look forward to them so that I could finally put this part of my life behind me. Of course there's radiotherapy, but I've been told that it's a cinch after chemotherapy. I think I'll find out soon enough.

In the meantime, I'll just toddle along each day and hope for the best.

Missing Ingredient

Yesterday, I woke up with my face a bit swollen on the right side. No, it was not so swollen that you would notice it right away. In fact, I only noticed it around mid morning. Saturday night, I was sleeping off and on. One reason is that my right cheek is a bit painful; but I just attributed this to the mouthsore that is forming inside of my right cheek.

Then late Sunday afternoon, I discovered two more mouthsores. Oh, crap! Just when my "magic mouthwash" is running low! I tried to get another batch, but the Mercury in Robinson's out of one vital ingredient so they can't mix up another batch. Can't find that either at the other drug store. Ahhh...such is life! Murphy's law is working here. :-(

Today, I will be hunting for the missing ingredient at other drugstores. You know what's funny? the missing ingredient in the formula is Maalox Plus (Suspension).

Oh, yeah. Swelling on the right side of the face? Down from yesterday. I just looked like I gained a bit weight - but only on the right side of my face! *LOL*

Amazing Race 7

I am hooked on this reality TV series! Every Wednesday night, I would make sure that I'd be home by 8PM to watch the series, If I'm not home or can't watch the series by then, I'd stay up until 12MN to watch the replay. Otherwise, I'd put a tape in the VCR and record it.

This week's episode is still by far the most exciting yet! With only 5 teams left, tension and excitement have really upped several notches. Of the 5 teams left, my top two favorites would be the team of Alex and Lynn and the team of Meredith and Gretchen. Alex and Lynn for having fun every step of the way. But with Meredith and Gretchen? I love them! To see a couple in their twilight years being able to overcome every obstacle thrown in their path; met the challenges and cross the finish line every time is really something else. To see them together in this race is truly inspiring.

I do not bank on them winning this season for the last leg always comes down to a foot race - something Meredith and Gretchen could hardly do against any other team left - but I will root for them as long as they are in the race.

Meredith and Gretchen now officially holds the title as to being the oldest couple to have reached the final four pairs. I just hope they are able to go all the way to the finish line! Go Meredith! Go Gretchen! =)

Doctor's Appointments

Papa had his doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon with his cardiologist yesterday afternoon at St. Luke's. He has been wanting to go home since Monday, but I managed to convince him to postpone their going home to today. But before going home, we have to get clearance from his cardiologist.

Papa's check up is good. All's well and he's cleared to go home. Yipee!

On my side, I made an unscheduled doctor's visit to my oncologist. I have been experiencing spasms of pain on Louise, and sometimes I have difficulty breathing when lying down. Since these pains and difficulty in breathing have been occuring for several nights in a row, I thought it prudent to go see my oncologist.

If I'm the type of person that's easily freaked out, I would have been running at top speed from my doctor's clinic when she did my breast exam. To see the changes in her facial expression should have left me concerned and paranoid; but I will not panic. Why waste my energy over something I have no control on?

Now, I have with me doctor's orders for a 2D echocardiogram and a breast ultrasound. Let me make those appointments.

Good Morning

To be honest, I can't really relate to the "metallic" taste that chemo patients complain about. It all dawned on me last night, as we were having dinner at Sbarro's that what I am experiencing is not at all the "metallic" taste, but rather, WAXY taste!

I must have looked so miserable last night, trying to enjoy/taste my pasta, that Olive asked me what's wrong. Well, it's just my complaint of not being able to taste my food. I felt like I'm such a baby yesterday, whining and complaining. I was able to feel in every cell of my body that I'm a cancer patient - and wallowing in it, too! Bad Vanj!

This morning, I woke up and found a note from Olive taped on the bathroom mirror. She said she got me lunch and that it's inside the ref. Even without opening the ref, I easily broke into a grin and knew that Olive got me the salpicao I've been dreaming of for two days! *breaks into singing "I Feel Pretty" mentally*

Upon closer look of the note, I noticed that Olive also drew two heads, one beside "Dear Achi", and the other on the "O" of Olive. And then, I realized something - the head beside "Dear Achi" is bald and the "O" on Olive have a head full of hair! I almost choked on the toothpaste and have to stop brushing my teeth because I was laughing so hard! *LOL*

Thank you, sis, for making my day! *Mwah!*

Torturing a Foodie

How does one torture somebody who loves to eat? Give them chemotherapy! (Not that I would wish this on anyone, just venting my food frustrations).

My buds are dead again, and it's going to take another ten days for them to resurrect. In the meantime, I have to rely on my imagination for taste. =)

My oncologist gave me a simple diet plan to follow: within the first week after chemo, raw food (fruits included) are allowed; from day 15 to 21, no raw food; then, there's also no grilled and oily food. Simple, right?

I thought so. Then, my buds died. I can eat anything I want (well, almost anyway) on the first 7 days after each cycle; but everything tastes bland, metallic. And then the buds resurrect; by then, I have to follow the no "raw" food guideline. *crying rivers of tears and tearing my hair out - ooppps, I forgot, I'm already bald*

Life sure is funny!

Ashfall

When I first found out that Manila Midtown Hotel is going to be torn down, my initial reaction is to look for another place to stay. I should have listened to my instinct; but I love where I stay.

The demolition have been going on since late last year. At first, it was pitiful, even laughable, the work that they called demolition. Then, they started to work for 16 hours, not so laughable, not so pitiful anymore. The past month, the crew are at it round the clock. They're getting quite agressive. The demolition crew would hammer away all day.

It is summer. It's hot. Even the slightest breeze's welcome, or should be. But since we live two streets away from Manila Bay, and just across the demolition site, it is understandable that we learn to dread every breeze coming our way, for it would mean dust all around.

The past two weeks is pure torture. The crew would empty the rubble they accumulated on the top of the building to the construction site below. Given the 12 or 15 storey height, this would translate into pure white powder (dust) floating across a two, maybe four block radius! Last night was the worse yet. We woke up this morning to a floor looking like it's made of marble (our windows are closed at that). But our floor's made of wood!

I have given our help a mask to prevent her asthma from attacking. Our resident black cat, Lestat, is now sporting a new color - gray. The only thing I find funny in this is we know exactly where Lestat has been sleeping!

It is reminiscent of the Pinatubo's ashfall days. It is now raining outside, and it is very much welcome. Less dust for the next 12 hours!

All Conked Out

It's now 3:21 PM. Am at the office trying to get some work done. And I'm all drained of energy.

At 2:45, I was fine, still able to talk on the phone, making small talk, catching up. At 2:55, I decided to brush my teeth hoping to rinse out the metallic taste. 3 PM, and I'm still fine. At 3:03, I felt some stomach cramps and queasiness. Oh, boy. I hope hyperacidity won't kick in. At 3:05, I'm feeling a bit chilled, so I put on the jacket I leave in the office for emergencies like this.

At 3:10, the cramps and the queasiness went away, yay! Then, it all hit me full blast in the face! It is as if I've been zapped of energy by an invisible ray from an outer space gun. Just like in Looney Tunes cartoons. Zaaaappp! And I'm drained of energy, feeling sleepy. =)

It still leaves me open mouthed with awe. How in a span of a few minutes, I can be drained of energy. Chemo drugs be darned! >:-p

Girlfriends

Received an email this morning from one of my girlfriends who have stuck with me through everything since college. I couldn't be more excited!

We have gone our own separate ways. Leila's now based in Sydney and Gigi's based in Washington. Logistically, it's impossible for us to just pick up the phone and arrange for a shopping spree as we used to in college (even if we didn't have money then, we'd go on a window shopping spree *LOL*). So, when I got Gigi's email that she and Leila are arranging to come over later this year, I am ecstatic!

A shopping spree and a side trip to Boracay? What more could a girl ask for? What better excuse can I have than celebrating the end of my treatments in Boracay? I have never been there and have not have the chance to have a perfectly legit excuse to go there. Going on a holiday is sometimes not enough an excuse to just up and go. But now, I think I have "earned" the holiday. Timing is perfect, it will be off season by then. Hopefully, there won't be any storms to coincide with our schedule.

Can't wait for October! In the meantime, I'll be turning cartwheels, if I can manage to find my balance, if not, I'll just do it mentally. =)

Gone Just in Time

One of my apprehensions last week is that my mouthsore will not be healed enough for my 4th chemo cycle. Last Tuesday, it was still nasty, with no improvement in sight. Monitoring it on a daily basis, I sometimes convince myself that it is getting better. But last Tuesday, convinced me otherwise. Even then, I still took the anti-viral medicine my oncologist gave me, took the "magic mouthwash" and did the gargling thing even if it leaves me in tears.

Wednesday, I woke up and gingerly poked with my tongue at my sore. Hmmm, not much pain. And when I was able to brush my teeth without having to pry my cheek away from my face, I was happy! Finally! The sore's going! Yippe!

Thursday, just before the IV is stuck into me, the doctor checked my mouth and pronounced me well enough to have my chemo. Yes! I really don't want to postpone my chemo days (much as I am starting to dread them), for it will mean a longer treatment period for me, even if it's just a day or two.

Just counting my blessings.

Tournaments

So, here I am at home, resting after chemo cycle 4. What's a girl to do? I watch movies on DVD, read books, try to get more puzzle pieces into place, did some crochet, eat, drink and did some merrying!

The other afternoon, I was surfing the tv, looking for something that will catch my attention, when I stumbled upon the Yonex All England 2005. Boy! It was a treat to watch those athletes play! Made me want to take out my racquet and head to the nearest badminton court! But of course, that did not happen...just wishful thinking. I did promise that I'll play again after I'm done with all my treatments! Hopefully, in 3 months' time!

Made me kinda wonder, can I muster enough energy afterwards to join tournaments again? Will I be able to push myself to the limit and a bit more as sometimes one must do during tournaments? Well, only time will tell.

4th of 6

Had my 4th cycle of chemotherapy yesterday. Since Olive have to work, Mama and Papa accompanied me to the hospital.

It was quite uneventful, the doctor easily found a vein to work on. Apparently, I was fretting over nothing. Small miracles, who am I to complain? I'm just VERY grateful! Double the treat was when I got home and found my package from the States finally delivered! (I'm wearing the LIVESTRONG band na. Thank you, girl friend!)

Today, the small miracles are still at it. I have no complaints, generally uneventful. I even get to drink Coke (in celebration of Olive's birthday - Happy birthday, Olive!)!

As I checked my emails today, I am even more grateful that I am coping so well. My other "sisters" (in my support group) are not so lucky, they have really bad days after every cycle; some are in pain, some can't eat, some are just plain fatigued out (is this the correct term?). Makes me count my blessings all the more.

Sigh of Relief

Yesterday, I'm able to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Papa is finally moved from the ICU unit back to his room shortly before lunch. Ahia reported that Papa's eating a lot.

In the afternoon, while I was talking with Mama on the phone, I heard her admonishing Papa for walking about in his hospital room without slippers. Funny, Mama's not scolding Papa for walking about; rather, she's more particular that Papa's walking about without slippers!

When I heard this going on, I knew that Pa's on his way to a speedy and full recovery! It was only then that I felt the tension draining away from my body, leaving me tired and feeling dilapidated. But I'm happy, knowing that Papa's well again.

Bravest Of Them All

Last 1993, my Dad had his first heart bypass. Three years later, he had his second bypass. What he went through is no small feat, a lesser person might succumb to the trauma one gets from such major operations. Maybe not physically but definitely mentally and/or spiritually.

Today, Papa had angioplasty, two vessels. As of this writing, Papa is already out of surgery and is now recovering in ICU, eating his lunch of fish congee. I don't know if I can go through all those surgeries if I were in his place.

For me, Papa is the bravest of them all! I just wish I have half of his bravery to last me through this road I'm travelling on.

Might be the Shock of His Life

After I shaved my hair, I had pictures (cell phone and digicam) taken and send them to my brother so that they will know how I look like. I took it for granted that my brother showed the picture to Mama and Papa.

So, when we got back from the lunch party yesterday, I didn't think twice about removing my cap and wipe on the perspiration on my dome. When Papa turned around and saw me, he gave a shout. I think he got what might be the shock of his life! I was puzzled, so I asked Papa if Ahia showed them (my parents) my bald picture. Ahia did (or tried). But Papa refused to look at the picture. Somehow, not seeing me bald might have given Papa some comfort that I'm all right.

I silently imagined kicking myself for being so insensitive. I have thought that maybe my parents still haven't seen me bald (picture and otherwise) and that I should ask my brother about that first. Well, I forgot. And I accidentally shocked Papa half out of his wits! Tsk tsk. Wish I could have undone what I did.For compromise, I put on a bandana for the rest of the day.

I think Papa still can't get used to the fact that one of his (not so) little girls is bald. Poor Papa! :-(

Birthday Blast

As much as possible, I like to celebrate my birthday quietly. Just go to a quiet place to while away the day and I'm happy. But this year, that was out of the question. A month prior to my birthday, things somehow snowballed and viola! I have a birthday party on my birthday, and will be celebrating together with a friend whose birthday falls on the day before mine. Never mind what I think, but it all gelled together.

Mom and Dad flew in last Saturday, bearing a whole lechon (roasted pig) for the small birthday dinner planned for that night. If only Ate Genie and Max could have also flown in, then the whole happy family picture would be complete!

We had a total guest list of 32 people, almost, if not half of them are my relatives *big grin*. It started out as a double birthday celebration but it quickly turned into a triple birthday celebration - my brother's, a friend's and mine. Food was great. We were shocked by the size of the food serving, as we didn't expect them to be that much. It could have easily fed 40 people.

After dinner, all the relatives went home. Left behind were all friends and we decided to go drinking. Not all came along but there were still 8 people from the party who went. Beer was nice after all those food. We all said that we couldn't eat another bite, but majority still were able to down the oysters that served as pulutan. I had a blast, downing 5 bottles (I think) of beer, rationalizing that I'm disinfecting my mouth sore with the alcohol (well, it did sting whenever I take a swig). Oysters, I really can't eat anymore.

The party broke up around 130 AM. It was a blast!

Map of Mindanao

I woke up Tuesday morning and felt that I had a sore in my mouth. Uh-oh. I kept forgetting to take the "Magic Mouthwash" the doctor prescribed. I should put that in Mimi, my memory notebook.

I suffered through the pain when I gargled Astring-O-Sol, hoping that it would help heal the sore faster. Today, I switched to Bactidol. Nothing wakes you up faster in the morning than having to gargle mouthwash while having a sore. I also found out that crying and gargling at the same time is kinda hard to do, especially when you are trying not to laugh at the ridiculous image you see in the mirror.

When I checked in the mirror last Tuesday, the sore is the size of Mindoro island, today, it looks like the whole island of Mindanao. No wonder it's so painful. No wonder my doctor cringed when she checked the sore yesterday. *LOL* Nasty! But I still manage to eat, laugh and be merry. So, I'm okay. Hardest time I have today is brushing my teeth.

Of Crafts and Patience

I thought I have overcome my quick temper. Over the years, I have made it a point to be more patient and be less quick to rant and rave. But I guess, there will always be times when I can't control my temper. Tsk, tsk. Getting hot flushes from the chemotherapy is sure not helping, not when your head feels hot most of the time. (yeah, yeah, blame it on the drugs! *LOL*)

Yesterday, I was fuming mad at the office. Irritated by the people around me. It was just actually small things, but being bombarded from all sides (one after the other in rapid succession) with "problems" that can be easily handled by the concerned, I just blew my top. I have to distance myself from the people before I say something I regret. I don't like me when I'm angry! >:-(

This got me into thinking: what was it that I must do to be more patient?

I remembered the movie Anger Management. One of the therapy there is to sing the song "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story. This song is guaranteed to make you smile while you sing its lyrics! How can you not smile when you say you feel pretty?

Then also, there's the jigsaw puzzle. I took out a puzzle that I was doing but had put aside. This will surely do wonders on stretching my patience. And then there's cross stitching, crochet, and other things that I like to do. I will pick up on my craftworks again. Maybe then, I'll be more patient.

In the meantime, "I feel pretty...oh so pretty..."

Now, if only I can hit the right key... *grin*

Visitors

Last Friday night, some friends from my regular badminton group visited me at home. Although I was still busy getting in and out of the bathroom, I was happy to see them.

They talked to me about their badminton games, I tell them stories of my recent lifestyle changes and going ons. They stayed for around two hours. It felt good to see them again, to talk and tease and laugh together.

As they talked about badminton, I realised something: I don't really miss it that much now. I was able to play once; a lot earlier than I expected (I had prepared myself that I'll start playing again by September), and I'm happy about that. Though that once did not do me any good physically, it did lift my spirits (not to mention my blood pressure...hehehe). It also dawned upon me then that I am prepared to wait for all my treatments to be done before I'd venture out on a badminton court again. =)

I Got Mail!

Last Friday, I had to go home early on the account of me catching a bug that's been going around (I got diarrhea and was vomiting at one point). I actually caught it Thursday, but felt fine enough when I woke up Friday morning to go to work. Well, apparently not enough to last the work day.

Shortly after I got home, the guard from the lobby called to say that I got mail. So, I said to just receive it and I'd have someone get it later. Well, it turns out to be more than a letter, it was a package from some friends in NY! Wow! It made me forget my tummy aches and all! =) I was like a kid on christmas morn.

I got some cancer awareness stuff (bracelet and pendants); a book (which I still haven't started); a book marker; and best of all, a leather bound notebook! I now carry that notebook with me, to write down things that I thought of this moment and will surely forget the next. I now have what I'll call my "memory notebook". =) Thank you, dear friends! Your gifts are much appreciated. *hugs and kisses*

Black Saturday

This year, Black Saturday came a week late for me.

I received a SMS last Saturday from a former roommate, Kura (actually her name's spelled Cora, but Kura's an endearment), saying that her mom have passed away. My first thought was: Oh, no! She didn't even make it to her birthday! (Kura's mom and I share the same birthday). That was also the day that the world was one in praying for Pope John Paul II, who was breathing his last breaths. I really felt sad.

Yesterday, I made sure that I went to the wake of Kura's mom. I conserved my energy so that I can drive to Merville and back. Of course, Olive went with me. We got to Merville Church around four in the afternoon. I was already on the verge of tears when I stepped into the wake. There were so many people.

We stayed for a while, listening to Kura as she recounted the last days of her mom. My tears finally spilled over and then I was sobbing (and laughing) as if I'm family. I have met Mrs. Martinez only a couple of times when I went to their home, but she left quite an impression! And Kura's stories affirmed all the qualities I saw in her. What a lady. I will always remember her.

Dunno why, but since I was diagnosed with cancer, whenever I hear that a fellow cancer patient/survivor passed away, I feel sad and sometimes, I even cry... maybe because it's a reminder of my own mortality.