Tuesdays with Morrie

This is one of the best books I've read, Tuesdays with Morrie.

It has reinforced what I believed in - that people who are dying are the bravest, the most uncomplicated people in the world. They know what they want and they tend to accomplish as much as possible with the precious time they have left. They are the most generous, the most understanding people.

Morrie Schwartz have lived a full life. The most memorable days were his last days on Earth. He was, indeed, a teacher in the truest sense of the word. I may not know him personally, but he has touched me with his teachings. He made life so simple, something I have been striving to do with my own. Even after his death, Morrie Schwartz continues to teach people how to life live to the fullest. I am humbled by his teachings.

Are you still seeking for answers? Read Tuesdays with Morrie. For me, this is a far better book than Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Morrie Schwartz was, and still is, a far better teacher than Robert Kiyosaki. I appreciate what Mr. Kiyosaki is trying to teach the world, who would not want to be rich? But I think Mr. Schwartz was far richer than Mr. Kiyosaki, maybe not in dollar and cents, but certainly in life, friendship, and love - and these were the things that sustained him.

Happy New Year, everyone! Have a simple life ahead!

Christmas Gift

What is the best Christmas gift ever that you have received?

I got a Christmas card from my dear, dear friends in the States yesterday. Oh, what joy! How thoughtful. They sent me the card to wish me happy holidays and also to tell me the news that they're expecting a little girl! I just hope the baby will look like the mom. *grin* They said that this is their best Christmas gift ever. I believe them.

Today, I got a gift from my godmother. I am so blessed to have her as my godmother. She has helped me A LOT with my sickness this year. She would visit or call me up, checking on me, to see how I am doing, how am I coping.

Admittedly, I went through a lot this year. The surgery, the treatments, the scares, the learning processes everyday, and yet, I was able to overcome these obstacles with help from family and friends. Life is sweeter everyday.

I think this year, the entire year is one big christmas for me and it's the best christmas, ever!

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Today, I'm officially on leave from the office. Tomorrow, I'll be hopping on a plane to Cagayan de Oro (finally!), and I still have tons of stuff to plow through today. I don't think I'll be able to finish all the stuff that I'm supposed to do. I hope I can look forward to some ten days of R & R. Well, sort of, since I think I may be delusional with what's ahead for me in the next ten days or so.

I have tons of assignments to deal with (I can spend my entire holiday doing the assignments!), of course, there's also the whirlwind of parties, the "must attend" ones. Between these, I plan to go visit an aunt, who I hope will be in Cagayan de Oro sometime during my visit so that I can see her; and of course, I have to see the baby of my cousin, who also happens to be one of my goddaughters. I have to remember, too, to go see my good surgeon!

How could I leave out the visitors? Beginning on December 25th, the four of us siblings will be expecting and entertaining visitors from Manila. Anyone here think I can do my assignment at this time? I don't. Mwahahaha. It's going to be a riot of a Christmas. =)

Oh, it is indeed a full vacation ahead.

Christmas Wish List

"So, what do you want for Christmas?" is the most encountered question I have these days.

My standard answer is: "Peace on earth and goodwill to men!" My, my, I can join beauty pageants with my answer.

What can I possibly want for Christmas?

Material things the I want are more "luxury" than needs. With the christmas party here at the dorm, I was able to cross off a couple - I got the book Tuesdays with Morrie, a book that I've been meaning to buy to read but somehow wasn't able to and I was also able to go to Boracay this year (thank you again, girls!). Other things on my list are just material things, your everyday gadgets that one can live with or without, things that I have to save up for myself. =)

Actually, I had my christmas gift early when all my test results came back "normal." Even the scare with the cyst in my ovary have been relegated to the back seat for the meantime. I've got good health once again, I think it is enough.

Christmas Party Time!

Tomorrow, I have 3 christmas parties lined up. At 4pm, there is the christmas party at school. Then, at 6pm, the party at the office will start. Finally, at 7pm, the party at the dorm will start.

At 4pm, I will still be at the office. At 6pm, I will be at school. At 11pm, I will be home from school. I guess I will just have to miss out on ALL of the parties! It will be a bizaare day tomorrow - with 3 parties, none of which I can attend. Funny?

On Saturday, there will be another christmas party, this time with the badminton people - and I have to be at work. I think this sucks, 4 parties all lined up, and I will be at NONE of them. Well, let's look at the bright side, I'll start partying when I go home to Cagayan de Oro for the holidays. Maybe I won't gain so much weight - since I'm NOT even supposed to gain a single pound according to my oncologist!

One more week, and I'll be heading for Cagayan de Oro. I can't wait!

Scrooge

Bah, hambug!

Two more weeks and it's Christmas. Up until today, I have yet to find the Christmas spirit in me. By this time, I'm usually wrapping my gifts and might have even given some out, but this year, it's a different story entirely.

I am in a time warp. In my mind, I'm always a week ahead (I thought I am going home next Saturday!), which will constantly throw me into a panic, for I'm still not done with my Christmas shopping. What Christmas shopping? I haven't even completed my list. Yet, after realizing the correct date, I'm left scratching my head, wondering why there's all these extra activities in the shopping malls! Maybe school and work kinda leave me in a daze.

I attended the Christmas party of I Can Serve today, hoping that somehow I'll be infected with the holiday spirit and cheer. No such luck. It's just the realization of what date it is that propels me into action, wondering what I can get for my godchildren. I went to the mall today, in an attempt to look for gifts, and I ended up watching 2 movies and buying a book for myself. So much for making a dent into the list.

Perhaps I'll just give a hug and a kiss as gift. I'll get into the holiday spirit and cheer, I'm just a bit late this year.

Bah, hambug!

Bone Scan Results

I went to PGH (Philippine General Hospital) yesterday to get the results of my bone scan and to have my ultrasound as well. When I got my bone scan results, I was quite amused with the film. On the film were 4 exposures of my skeleton, from head to toe. What I find amusing is that the film is smaller than the letter size bond paper. I think my skeleton looked like that of Tinkerbell's. =) Wishing!

After getting my results, I went to have the dreaded ultrasound. The doctor saw the mass right away, but the size is now 6.1 x 5.8 x 5.7 cm. It seemed that the mass have grown from 4.5 cm to 6.1cm in 10 days! If I am the fainting kind of girl, I would have fainted. If I am a hysterical kind of girl, I would have gone into hysterics and probably got myself a shot to calm me down (maybe I should try this next time). Since I am neither, my heart just stopped for, oh, probably 5 seconds before racing at full speed. I have to conciously breathe deeply to calm myself down.

My OB-GYN was kind enough to drop by the ultrasound to see me right away. After conferring with the other doctor, she pronounced that they BELIEVE the cyst to be physiological in origin. That the cyst grew so fast in size also have an explanation: The CT scan's measurement might not be as accurate as that of ultrasound. Nothing to worry about, but we still have to monitor it. I am to see her again in 3 months' time. I left the hospital with mixed emotions. Relieved that there is no required operation for the cyst, but at the same time still apprehensive and worried about it.

Well, I guess I should just forget all about it with the holidays coming up, and worry about it again in February. By the way, on my bone scan report, the line following the word INTERPRETATION is as follows: Normal whole body bone scan. Yay! =)

Bone Scan

Tuesday morning, I texted my Oncologist and OB-GYN/Onco about the CT scan results. My oncologist texted back and told me that there's nothing to worry about. My OB-GYN said okay to my question if I can see her on Thursday. I have my bone scan scheduled on Thursday morning, I figured that I could go see her after the scan.

Thursday, I woke up early yet again, but this time, it is because my bone scan was scheduled at 7AM. When I got to the hospital, still bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, I found that there were already several patients there, all scheduled to have bone scan, too. All at 7AM! Hah! Why do the hospitals do that? They will tell you to come in at a certain time, and then you find out when you're there that it is on a first come, first served basis. I was too sleepy to complain so I just submitted my receipt (proof of payment) and waited for my name to be called. Finally, by 830, I heard my name. I was injected with the radioactive contrast dye, and then told to come back in 2 hours. Why? (in a whiny voice)

Apparently, it takes 2 hours for the dye to travel all over the body. OK. I asked how long the procedure will be, they answered that it's going to take 40-50 minutes per patient. In the meantime, I was told to keep away from pregnant women and kids. *Evil laughter* Oh, if only I can see a brat throwing a tantrum, I will give a deadly bear hug to that kid. Hehehe.

I went back home, had brunch and then went back to the hospital at 11AM, figuring that if I go there later, my wait won't be as long. I was also contemplating if I should call on my friends in PGH to help me out-meaning, I'll be placed in front of the line. As I looked around at my fellow patients waiting for their turn, I realized that I can't do such thing. I do not have the heart to bump off ladies in wheelchairs who are at least 65 years old. So, I wait. I read. I slept as well. By 12NN, I went to check how many patients are there before me. There's 2, roughly 2 hours before it's my turn.

I decided to go see my OB-GYN first. She is not too worried about the cyst (if the cyst grows into 8 cm in diameter, that's the time we start worrying), although she agreed with me that I have an ultrasound so we can know the characterics of the cyst. The ultrasound is scheduled for Tuesday this week. That consultation done, I went back to the hospital.

I waited for 30 more minutes and then it was finally my turn. My bone scan was done by 3:30PM.

I'll get the results tomorrow.

CT Scan Results

Monday was a holiday, so I took my time in going to the lab to get my CT scan results. I woke up early again, a sure sign of my being apprehensive. I am hoping that nothing will show up on the scan.

I also had my breast ultrasound after the CT scan procedure that Saturday. The results were good. Nothing showed up.

Around lunch time, I went to the lab to get my results. After signing on the receipt logbook, I took a deep breathe and sat myself down on one of the numerous benches there. Here goes nothing:

(I'm going to copy here the typed report)
1. There are some small metallic densities in the upper chest and breast, for which they concluded that these were probably markers for radiation therapy located in the site of previous surgery.
2. There were no infiltrates nor masses. No pleural fluid is noted.
3. The mediastinal vascular structures and heart are intact. No enlarged nodes are seen.
4. The osseous and the rest of the soft tissue structures of the thorax are unremarkable.
5. The liver is normal in size. It shows a diffuse decrease in attenuation with associated relative hyperdensity of the hepatic vasculature. The intrahepatic ducts are not dilated. No focal lesions are noted.
6. There is a cystic mass adjacent to the right side of the uterus. It measures 4.5 cm in diameter.
7. The pancreas and spleen are of normal size and tissue homogeneity. There are no focal masses noted within. The gallbladder is unremarkable.
8. The aorta and IVC are intact. There are no enlarged lymph nodes noted. The adrenal glands are normal.
9. The non-enhanced kidneys are normal in size. The urinary collecting structures are intact. The urinary bladder is partially filled with no remarkable findings noted.
10. The contrasts filled bowels are unremarkable. There are no mesenteric nodularites or thickening seen.
11. The uterus is not enarged.
12. The rest of the soft tissue, vascular and osseous structures are normal.
IMPRESSION:
1. Fatty liver infiltration.
2. Right adnexal cyst, probably ovarian in origin; suggest further evaluation with ultrasound.
3. No significant pulmunary findings.

Now, wasn't the quite something? Big words again. They can really make your vision blurry. and then they focused again on a sentence: There is a cystic mass adjacent to the right side of the uterus. It measures 4.5 cm in diameter. Whada?

Good thing I was sitting down on the bench. I went home in a daze, and somehow managed to plod through the day.

CT Scan

Last Saturday morning, November 26, I woke up earlier than usual. At first, I felt a bit disoriented and bewildered why I woke up that early. Ahh, yes! The CT scan. I noticed that whenever I needed something done, I would always wake up early. I woke up early for my operation. I woke up early for my chemo treatments. I woke up early for my CT scan. I think the only thing that I didn't wake up early for are the RT treatments.

I was apprehensive (again) for the scan. I was hoping that I won't be freaking out or that my phobia won't set in once I'm on for the scan. I even developed a strategy in my mind: I will close my eyes during the process and think happy thoughts! =)

Upon reaching the diagnostic lab, I found out that I am only to have plain CT scan as per doctor's orders. The fee will be a bit less, and I only have to drink around 1.5 liters of water, which has the contrast dye mixed in, within an hour. Woohoo! I gingerly tasted the water. Oh, good! It doesn't taste like medicine. Woohoo again. They say luck comes in 3's. After an hour, when I entered the room to have the scan, I could not believe my eyes! Yes! The machine is not one of those monstrous cave-like traps, but rather it looks like a table with a wide hoop. Triple woohoo! I wanted to kiss the machine! Yeah! I would not have to worry about being claustrophobic anymore. Tumdeedum!

Again, I would repeat, they say luck comes in 3's. I already had 3 good things. Will my good luck hold out?

I was told to change into a hospital gown, but I get to keep my undies on. The technician mumbled something which I did not quite catch, but it sure sound suspiciously something like "rectal", and then he left the room to let me change. After the technician left, and I was left wondering if I heard him right. The technician came in again after a few minutes. He had added more water to the bottle. I'm to drink that again? Ok then. Well, apparently not, that mixture is to go into my body not orally but rectally! Oh, man! I wanted to bolt for the door and would have done so if I wasn't lying down on the table. Dang! No wonder the technician was mumbling earlier. He must have had patients running out on him. Oh, boy!

So I took a deep breath, I suffered that, and had the procedure done. I got the results of my chest and whole abdomen CT scan last Monday.

I Have Hair!

I finally went to Calamba yesterday to have my first haircut (of my new curly, big baby hair). I can't stand my hair anymore and is on the verge of shaving it all off myself; the novelty of having a different hairdo eveytime I wake up was wearing thin.

I can't stand the thought of having to sport my almost afro-like hairdo for another week. Since Olive is still swamped with work and won't be able to accompany me till next weekend, I decided to go ahead. I asked my cousin to go with me and thankfully she agreed.

I should give my friend, Ipe, credit though. It was all that he could do to hold back his laughter when he saw my hair! Well, even if he did burst out laughing, I won't blame him - my hair DOES look terrible and funny. Thanks to Ipe's magic and talent, I'm now sporting what I call "Phobe Halliwell" hair - a close-cropped cut. The pixie look, Ipe calls it, but I can't bring myself to call it that since I have a big face and does not look dainty at all! Pixie? (blink, blink) *insert canned laughter into the background* Ipe said afterwards that I should have my pictures taken for I am the perfect candidate for "before" and "after" pictures. *ROTFL*

Now I looked like a "normal" person again, no more big hair. My hair looks like it's mine again and not some poorly styled wig that was propped on top of my head. I think it was worth the trip to Calamba!

Looking Back, Looking Forward

As I has my blood extracted this morning at the laboratory, I realized that it was exactly a year ago today that I found my cancer, and perhaps took the very first step of this journey I'm in. Today marks the 1st year anniversary of the discovery of my cancer - discovery not diagnosis. What a difference a year makes!

Today, I'm still at it - fighting cancer, that is. I had blood extracted this morning in preparation for my CT scan tomorrow. Thursday next week, I'll be having my bone scan. I honestly can't say that I am without apprehension for these tests. The what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads again. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to hearing the words: "Congratulations, you are now cancer free." Even if I wanted to put off these tests indefinitely, I have to summon what courage I have left and schedule the tests myself. I am thinking that this is like taking that plunge from the 30-foot high bridge - one just have to go ahead and make that leap of faith.

This should be interesting.

P.S. Oh, did I mention that I'm claustrophobic?

Big Sis or BI?

Playing the big sis or playing the B.I. (bad influence)?

Last Thursday night, I got a text from my cousin Christine, Claire's sister. She said that she's in Manila for a month for training. When I got home from classes, I asked her to call me up at home. Christine's been in Manila since November 7 and so far, has been a very good girl. She's been studying hard for her exams and had not been partying. She asked where she could play badminton with her officemates. So, I volunteered to book a court for them, and asked if she wanted to watch Harry Potter with me on Saturday.

Saturday, I left work early to pick up Christine from her hotel and we went to Greenhills - to do some shopping first at the tiangge (sort of like flea market), and then dinner and movie. As promised, we were able to do all three, although Christine was overwhelmed with the tiangge (not knowing where to start looking). After two and a half hours of shopping, we had dinner at Teriyaki Boy, where we over ate (so what else is new?).

To walk off the extra food consumed, we went to the night market located at the other side of the mall. When we got there, we were just in time for the Christmas presentation (by COD). The presentation was nice (although there were no dancing live mannequins, unlike before in COD Cubao), and the crowd was wowed.

After going through the stalls, we till have some time left before the showing of Harry Potter. Nowhere to go? We decided to go check out what's happening at the badminton courts. Turns out there was an ongoing tournament. I saw some friends, said my hi's and hello's, and then we headed for the movies.

We met up with some friends and went to see the movie together. The movie was better than I expected (or maybe it's because I wasn't expecting anything). After the movies, we had coffee (well, they had coffee, I had a pseudo-fruit shake). We headed home after. I was able to deposit Christine back to her hotel at around 2AM. =)

Now, I was looking for someone to go watch the play Aspects of Love with, and have been quite unsuccessful so far. Work willing, Christine can make it this Saturday. I'll have her home earlier this time, promise!

Sleepless in Manila

Six months after my chemo treatment, three months after my radiotherapy, just when I'm only taking tamoxifen, I find myself having insomnia, just when I don't do steroids anymore!

For the a week now (this started last Wednesday night), I find myself wide awake at night. No matter how tired I am at the end of the day, I can't sleep. Except for that night when I slept over at Cavite. Hmm...is it the air? Or the food? At first, I thought it was the coffee, so I stopped having my coffee late in the afternoon. With or without coffee, I'm still wide awake at 130 in the morning! Must be something else.

Last night, I checked the clock. 2AM, am still having trouble sleeping. What usually does the trick is when I would turn off all the lights in the room and then close my eyes. Sometimes, I'd fall asleep right away, other times, it takes another half hour.

Will have to play cloak and dagger to check why I've been having these spells.

Hairy Scenes

No offense meant to anyone who is follicle-challenged (or is it follically-challenged?). I just want to share a couple of hair anecdotes.

My hair used to be coarse, thick, and straight. Now, I'm sporting chemo hair-hair that is fine and curly. I'm lucky that I still got masses of it; some of my "sisters" hair grew back thinner. They also have curly hair. Curls is one of the "side effects" of chemo, if you can call it that, since there are other survivors who actually enjoy their curls.

Now, my curls are giving me some nightmares (?); with each passing day, my hair grows bigger (longer). Every morning, I would either wake up with a "horny" hair-do (curls that stand out in a bunch, looking like tiny horns here and there (Jedi Imbo should know this, hehehe), or I'd have lop-sided hair where you can tell which side I slept on the night before. There are other days when I'd wake up with an Astroboy hair-do or I'd look like one of those anime characters. I've taken to the pleasure/curse (?) of surprising myself on how'd I look every morning when I wake up.

Friends and acquaintances who have not seen me for some time are usually glad to see that my hair has grown back. Some are even envious of my hair. A friend good naturedly told me: Hayop ka, Vanj! Mas makapal pa buhok mo sa akin! Bwiset! (Vanj, I hate you. You have more hair than I do); to which I replied: Magpa chemo ka, baka lumago (Go have chemotherapy, maybe your hair will grow back thicker!); and we shared a good laugh. My standard reply nowadays when I talked to people who ask me how I am is: I'm fine. Growing big hair. Others are not so tactful. One asked me flat out: Is that real hair or wig? To which I retorted: Oh, it's real, and I got more than you do! *Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!*

Well, I DO look like I'm sporting a wig. Isn't that funny? I am toying with the idea of having my haircut on Feb. 25 next year, to celebrate a year of no haircut, but I think I really need to get that haircut now.

Hormonal Imbalance?

It's been a week since I last posted. There's nothing much going on with me, well, nothing I want to share here anyway. It's been a crappy week, and if today is any indication, crappy days will be here for a few more days. I really hope not! Allow me to rant and rave a little, just to get things out of my system!

Inefficiency and ineptitude, not to mention laziness, is at its finest at work. I'm summoning all my willpower not to blow my top (perhaps it's high time that I do). Stressed out, am I? That could be an understatement. I have marked my calendar to spend this saturday with Gigi, to get me back some mental health.

I noticed that I easily get irritated with people at work nowadays, more so than usual. So, I've been spending my days cooped up in my hole, trying to avoid everybody.

Should I blame all this on hormonal imbalance? Maybe that's why I get irritated easily; but then again, we still have to consider the ineptitude of the people here. People are trying to show off to the boss how hardworking they are. Well, in fairness, maybe they are, for they have to work on almost everything twice to get it right. Things that are so simple that one can get the job done with one eye closed and one hand tied on the back; but somehow these things get all muddled up. *Sigh*

I'm not being high and mighty. Just getting intolerant ... at stupidity.

Lightening the Burden

Reading through my emails today, I came across one email from a "sister" from I Can Serve. In it she recounted how even after having her bone and CT scans, she still wanted the absolute assurance that her cancer is in remission. Like me, she had lumpectomy, and she felt some "heaviness" and something not quite right with the operated side. So, to have peace of mind, she decided to go for a MRI scan.

After the scan, it was one sleepless night after another until she got the results. The results came back positive for cancer recurrence. This sent her into hours of crying her eyes out. The thought that even with the agressive treatment and nothing worked is enough to drive you nuts. I guess this is the heaviest of burden that every cancer survivor carries.

As she was preparing herself (mentally, financially, physically) for the eventual mastectomy, some "sisters" managed to convince her to seek out another opinion. She went to 2 more doctors, both told her to have a biopsy to be sure. When the biopsy came back, it was negative! Turns out that the mass that the MRI scan had picked up was just the scar from her lumpectomy and gave false positive results. Both doctors pronounced her cancer free! These are perhaps the sweetest words that can be said to a cancer patient.

It is always an uphill trek and a never ending battle to fight cancer. Upon diagnosis, one has to prepare mentally, emotionally and physically for the changes that will happen in one's life. During treatment, one has to cope with the physical side effects as well as the psychological ones. If one is selfish, then one can just think about one's self and whine the months away throughout the treatment and indulge in self pity; or, one can be more optimistic and view one's treatment as necessary evil towards healing. As a fellow survivor puts it aptly: Without treatments, I feel fine, but my lab tests tell me that I am really sick. With treatments, I feel really bad, but my lab tests tell me I'm getting better! After treatments, until one is pronounced cancer free, the nagging thought of recurrence will always be there. After the pronouncement, one still has to be vigilant about a possible recurrence. As another survivor said: "Cancer is like true love, it stays with you forever!"

Just having family and friends to hold your hand when you're going through that routine test and twiddling your thumbs while waiting for the results, to rally you on when you're about to give up, to hug you and tell you it's all right to cry when you're scared shitless, is more than enough to lighten the burden a survivor carries for the rest of his or her life.

Disco Divas

Last Wednesday night, together with some of I Can Serve "sisters", we went to Captain's Bar to support and listen to one of our fellow survivors' band perform. I never thought of asking what kind of music they'll be playing.

I followed after classes and got there around 11:00 PM, just in time for the 2nd set. I was surprised to hear unfamiliar songs from bygone eras. I think most of them can be classified as disco music. Pardon me, but I'm musically challenged.

Since I'm unfamiliar with the songs, I took pleasure at people watching instead. The dance floor was full. It was then that I realised that most people there are a generation ahead. I had a ball watching them dance and enjoy themselves.

Soon enough, the dance floor turned into a pseudo line dance. There were a couple of guys (biologically male, anyway) who were leading the crowd. I thought they look like people in a gym class working out.

Then one of the dance "instructors" went up to the stage to dance there. I did not even bother to contain my laughter. The guy is pure entertainment! He even dressed the part, wearing a shiny shirt and flared pants! I mentioned this to my companions and they said I'm a witch. Well, the guy asked for it! Thing is, I think that his shirt is quite retro, and I believe it's not purchased recently but rather recycled. Proof? Well, the button on the belly area keeps popping open.

I agree with my companions, I'm a witch!

That Helpless Feeling

One of my cousins texted me last Sunday to say that her mom had mastectomy the day before. I read the message with mixed emotions. Relieved that my aunt already had her surgery and sad that yet another woman was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Perhaps it will never be easy to hear that another person had breast cancer. More so when one personally knows that person. I am now on the other side of the fence, feeling what others might have felt when they found out that I had breast cancer. I think I had it easy then. Being on the other side is far more difficult than I thought. The feeling of helplessness is really, really frustrating.

I had a conversation with a friend whose girlfriend have a suspicious lump. I also had a conversation with a colleague whose 18-year-old daughter have a 13.5 mm lump! They are getting younger and younger. Both these friends' loved ones have not been diagnosed with cancer, though. *Whew!* But I told them to be vigilant about checking on the lump every now and then.

Fighting breast cancer 24/7 is quite tiring, really! I take my hat off to the doctors, to the nurses, to the technicians who tirelessly take care of people with cancer!

Walk

Yesterday, Avon sponsored the "Kiss Breast Cancer Goodbye" walk. It is a 3-kilometer fun walk. No pressures, no competition, just plain walking. The starting point is at Gabriela Silang parking lot (located in Ayala Avenue corner Makati Avenue,) then it's a straight route from there to Ayala Avenue corner Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue. From there, one walks all the way to the corner of Sen. Gil Puyat Avenue and Makati Avenue; and then it's back to the parking lot. 3 kilometers. It should be an easy walk, for a good cause, too!

I woke up early (5:30 AM) since the walk is to commence at 6:30 AM. 5:45, and my celphone rang. Opps! Assembly time is at 5:45 and I'm still home! *heeheehee* It's Sunday morning and it's early, so I was able to get to Makati in 10 minutes.

Having have to park at 6750, I walked to the assembly point. On my way there, I was surprised to see so many people! Wow! People do walk for a cause here in the Philippines! Then, I realized that something's not quite right. A lot of the people headed towards the assembly point were teenagers! Oh, man! P.E. requirement of some universities!

I think that sucks! The point of the walking became moot and academic. I lost interest. I wanted to go home. Somehow, the cause became a joke. Nevertheless, I forged on. I was already there and I might as well go ahead. I found my "sisters" from I Can Serve. There were only 6 of us. Another one probably did not wake up in time. So, there we were, just a handful of people in a sea of 7000 (or so) participants.

The walk finally started around 6:50 AM , with much fanfare and celebrities to kick it off. There was a marching band. Some local showbiz personalities and bigwigs were at the front line, smiling prettily for the presses, holding on to pink balloons. Then, much to my horror and realization of my dread, the balloons were released! Oh! Oh! Oh! Please let me go home! Thinking of how many birds and fishes will be affected by those balloons is enough to make me turn green!

As we stood there in the parking lot, looking for a group to squeeze ourselves in, we talked about having breakfast after the walk. Then someone jokingly suggested that we should just walk directly to the breakfast place. Most of us were hungry by that time, but we said that we should just finish the walk and then have breakfast afterwards.

Too impatient to wait for the right group, we found ourselves walking alongside some people from a local TV network. About 100 meters into the walk, one of the sisters called out to me: "Vangie, let's cross (the street)!" And I did, without really thinking why we should be crossing the street. The sister called out to the rest to cross the street as well. It was then that I realized what's happening: we're ditching the walk!

One of us began protesting that what we're doing is shameful, and that we should really be walking. As if on cue, all of us started to speak, each coming up with an excuse as to why we should be eating breakfast already:

"The kids (one of the sisters brought along her two kids) are already hungry."
"We're too tired." - duh?
"It's C's birthday and if she wants to eat instead of walk, then we should."
"Let's just eat. I'm hungry!"
"Let's eat. N might pass out."
"Hahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Guess which line I spoke???

And so, it was a majority decision to just have breakfast. Next year, I think I'll just stay home, or just join the sisters for breakfast. So much for walking.

Pretty Girls In Boracay

Here we are, smiling prettily for the camera before our lunch. We look so dainty, no? Good thing the food has not been served then, otherwise, you'd be shocked to see how much we can eat! There were four of us for lunch, we had grilled pork, grilled squid, fish soup, prawns and one giant crab! And since we're on diet, we only have a cup of rice each.

Standing are Gigi and Leila (left to right). Seated are yours truly and Renata (yep, Miss Brazil!)



Enjoying our Moët at the beach. In between sips, we would chat until our train of thoughts were interrupted by "hunkababes" and "hunkalicious men" jogging by the beach. Nice eye candies to go with a superb champagne!

Left to right: Renata, Leila, Buddha, I mean, moi, and Gigi.



Here's to Boracay and girlfriends!

Parties!

Boracay has always been and always will be a party place. It's one party after another night after night, all year round.

On our first night, we kicked off our stay with champagne on the beach while watching the sunset. Ah, such is life. We had dinner right after that. Food was great! After dinner, we decided to join whatever parties there will be at D'Mall. We walked (again) to our destination, enjoying the sea breeze. It was too early for any party; people are just starting to have their supper. So, we went around the shops, trying to look for bargains. After an hour or so, we decided to call it a day and turn in. It was a tricycle ride back to the resort. Not one of us even entertained the idea of walking back; if someone did, I'm pretty sure her head will be bitten off. We were just too darn tired - the girls perhaps too conked out with their mermaid adventure, and me, well, I'm still tired most of the time.

It was a shame to be in bed and sleeping by ten o'clock when one is in Boracay. So, we decided to redeem ourselves the following day. Starting at lunch, we had a couple of drinks. Gigi called her husband and got the go signal to have Sex on the Beach (the cocktail! the cocktail!); Leila had a bottle of beer, I had a Margarita. We were about to head back for an afternoon nap when we got rained in. So, it's another round of drinks.

230 in the afternoon is just too early for partying, so when the rain let up, we headed for the resort and had our siesta. It was early dinner for us and we just hanged around. We joined the party (finally!?) around 1030 that night. Oh, good! People were dancing to trance music, drinks and conversations were flowing. We made a few friends that night; but specially connected with a Brazilian girl. She was fun and we decided to meet up with her for lunch the following day.

Lunch with Ms. Brazil was lovely. We all talked like we've been friends for the longest time; there were no awkward moments; none of those uneasy gaps. After the huge lunch, we took another walk along the beach, jumped into the water, paddled around a bit. We parted ways just long enough to change out of our swimsuits into dry clothes. Then, it's another bottle of champagne on the beach. Sunset was not seen this time as rain threatened to pour anytime.

We had dinner at this neighboring resort called Waling Waling. We occupied a cabana and just talked ourselves to the point of sleeping. We were too comfortable to be bothered moving to another place. We all decided to call it a night when it became too much of an effort to keep our eyes open.

Good food, great place and the best company, what more can a girl ask for on a holiday?

Holiday Mode

All of us are guilty of being in the rat race. Everyday, we would all rush around in a frenzy. Chores to do; deadlines to meet; kids to raise; laundries to wash, dry and fold; etc. Going around like this is just normal for us. It's no wonder that most of us find it a bit difficult to switch from the everyday mode to holiday mode. Us three girls were not exempted from this.

The delay at the airport is enough for me to switch. Gigi and Leila, despite being on holiday since Monday, have yet to slow down. Walking in Boracay, I would find myself trailing the girls. They are always in a hurry (or perhaps that's just natural for them to walk fast). I have adapted myself to the island pace.

It is not surprising or uncommon for the girls to be ahead of me by as much as 20 feet. I would take my sweet time; Gigi and Leila would realize that I'm trailing behind, so they would wait for me. They soon realize this; and made concious efforts to slow down their pace. I think they enjoyed the island more after they did that.

Grand Entrance

Thursday morning found us stuck at the airport due to bad weather at Caticlan. Our flight was supposed to depart Manila at 930. We finally took off at 1030. I think the airline lucked out on this day. With flights unable to leave on time, they were able to compress 3 or 4 flights into one. The result? A full load! The flight was short and uneventful. It took all of an hour for us to get to Caticlan. Landing was smooth. Only drawback is the noise from other passengers. But who cares, really?

Upon landing, the only telltale sign of bad weather was the wet ground. Other than that, one can believe that the airlines just made up the story about the weather. The sun was out in full force - as if to welcome us!

We stayed at the Sea Wind Resort, so we were met at the airport by the resort's transfer service. We then took a banca to the resort. A few miles (maybe 2 or 3) from the resort, the banca's engine overheated. Oh, man! *in a whiny voice* will we ever get to Boracay???

So, there we were, stuck in the banca, just floating around, waiting for the engine to cool down.

Uh-oh. One of the girls need to answer the call of nature. So, how? (Paano na?) Well, ever adventurous, Gigi and Leila changed into their bikinis and jumped into the water! I had on my contacts and wouldn't dare chance losing them at sea. *excuses! excuses! it's harder to change into a tankini*

Soon after, the boat's ready to go. The girls decided to sit on the outrigger (?) instead of getting back on the boat. So, there they were, feeling like mermaids, and hanging on to their dear lives! Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture of the girls riding sidesaddle on the outrigger.

Aside from the usual welcome drink and lei, the girls also got a welcome towel! This is pretty unusual, even for the folks of Boracay. I'm sure this little (mis)adventure is one for the books!

The Week That Was

How do I cram 8 days of fun into one entry? I guess I don't. So I'll just blog as I remember.

It was a very hectic week - with much shopping, gossiping and what nots to do. Gigi and Leila won by yardsticks when it comes to stamina. I'm usually the first one to sleep and yet the last to wake. Hmmm...do they even sleep???

I was supposed to take the Wednesday afternoon off to catch up with shopping and spend more time with the girls. But luck wasn't on my side. I got to Makati around 4PM (Yay!) but have to deal with a problem in one of our outlets (definitely NOT yay!). I thought I'll be done in half an hour, but this is not to be so. I finished at 6PM! Whew! So, shopping's out. We just had dinner and then went to Rockwell for bowling.

Bowling was fun, especially with beer. After two games each, we decided to call it a night and go back to the hotel to watch Amazing Race. *sidebar: the TV series was just an excuse, we were tired - really!*

Thursday, we got up bright and early, excited for our Boracay trip. The weather's a bit bad over Caticlan so our flight was delayed for an hour. That's okay. Rain or shine, we don't care less. Just get us there, please!

When we got there, it was hard to believe that the weather was bad earlier in the day. The sun was shining ever so brightly. I guess we brought sunshine with us. It was three glorious days of sun, sand and rain. Amid all the food, drinks, walks, vegging out and shopping, we managed to make friends.

I guess the three of us wanted to keep the parting as simple as possible. All three of us have to be somewhere by 6PM Monday, I have to classes to go to, Gigi had dinner plans with an old friend, and Leila has to be at the airport. We had a group hug all around and parted ways. No tears, no sentiments. Just the knowledge that we will always be friends no matter when, no matter what.

Thank you, girls, for a very wonderful time!

Little Girl Lost

Leila flew in last night from Sydney. We are now complete. As Gigi, Olive and I waited for Leila's plane to arrive last night, we were wondering how'd she look. Her flight was delayed by three hours, although we were advised that it was only delayed for two.

No sweat, at least, we know that this time around, we WILL BE at the airport when Leila flies in. So, there we are, the three of us, getting sillier and siller by the minute.

The plane finally touched down at 945PM. Woohoo! And still, we wonder how Leila would look.

After 20 minutes, the first passengers were finally walking down the ramp. Nah...definitely not that one, don't think it's possible for Lei to be that size! Nope, that's the security guard. Nah, Leila would not be caught dead with a checkered sack for luggage...and so on, and so forth. Aren't we mean? Well, a little bit, perhaps.

Hey, look at the other side. There's a little girl, looking lost. Hahaha! That's definitely Leila! Look at the way she scratches her shoulders. Yup! That's Lei! That's Lei! Hey, Gie, don't you think Leila looks so lost? She looks like Tita asked her to buy a bottle of vinegar from the corner store, got lost, and found her way to the Philippines! Hahahahahahaha! We're so bad. Anyway, Leila,!

Second Family

Growing up, we all have a special set of friends. We would be hanging out together, having sleepovers, meeting the parents of our friends. Being a huge part of their kids' life, it is not surprising if our friends' parents eventually consider us to be part of their family.

This is the case with Gigi's parents. Mama and Pingping (as I also call them) have opened not only their home, but their hearts as well. I have become the "adopted" daughter, albeit a very prodigal one.

Gigi flew in from Guam last Saturday, and as earlier decided, we drove to Cavite City after lunch Sunday and stayed overnight. When I arrived, the welcome was oh so warm! It made me realise that I am home. (I'm so lucky! I have 2 places to consider home)

I had a splendid time. Being around the family made me wish that I should have done it sooner. I can't bring back time and so I shall not look back with regret. But rather, I will cherish the moments I spend with my second family.

Whirlwind

It's been a whirlwind of activities for me for the past two weeks; am now going into my third week of non-stop Taz-like days.

I know I should not be overexerting myself but I can't resist it. I keep on piling up activities and so far, I've managed my time well and was able to cope. Although there are still days that I would just conk out at 10PM. Being pronounced well and in remission must have made me desperately want to prove that. And if going around in a flurry of activities and living each minute of to the fullest will reinforce that pronouncement, so be it.

I should not tempt fate, I know.

I'll be a good girl, promise. Come Thursday, I'll be getting my R and R in Boracay with the girls. After that, I'll take it easy.

Lab Tests

I had some blood extracted last Monday to have my liver function test done. I think this is one of the tests that goes with the regular check-ups. At the last minute, I decided to have my cholesterol and sugar tested as well. The last time I had these (cholesterol and sugar) checked was before my chemotherapy, which means early, early February. Then, my cholesterol and sugar was borderline normal, at the high end. *These were over the normal limit after my operation*

Since then, following my doctor's advise not to diet while undergoing treatment, I pretty much eat as I please. Finally, the moment of truth...

Surprise! Surprise! Both my cholesterol and sugar count went down! Whew! (Hmmm...could it be because of the chemo cocktail???) Even my doctor's pleased with my lab results. I'll be seeing my doctor again in two months' time. Hopefully, by then, my lab results would be just as great! ;-)

Beautiful Women

Last Sunday, I woke up early so that I can be at Edsa Shangri-la Hotel by 7AM for Silver Linings. I volunteered to help out with the registration. I got to the hotel at exactly 7AM. By then, there were around 50 to 60 people milling around the event area. Wow! This early?

The whole day event was a success, we had more or less 400 to 500 people who attended. It was a full day. We laughed, we cried, we hugged and held each other's hand - survivors and non cancer patients alike (I decided against using the term non survivor here - people might misinterpret it as dead people, heehee).

A friend of mine dropped by around lunch time to visit the event. She was so impressed with the ongoing fora and attendance. She kept telling me how beautiful we (the survivors) are! After she left, I looked around and I have to agree with her - these are some of the most beautiful women I see and know. The beauty of these women come from within. There is a special glow. I don't know where it came from - maybe from the peace that they've found within themselves; maybe from the acceptance of their conditions; maybe from the determination to live life to the fullest; maybe from their tenacity that they will beat breast cancer; or maybe all of the above.

At the end of the day, seeing all those tired and happy faces was very much worth it. I feel so blessed to have known these beautiful one-breasted (no breasts or a little more than one-breasted) women.

Fund Raiser

With the help of my friend Nelson Agustin and his husband, Norman Gludovatz, we were able to put together a black and white calendar for year 2006 (actually, Nelson put it together and I contacted my printer, hehehe). We called it the I Can Serve calendar.

I had a thousand copies printed. The calendar sells at a hundred pesos a piece and every cent raised through the selling of this calendar will be for the I Can Serve Foundation. We started selling yesterday, so far, we have sold 25 copies. 975 copies more to sell before the year is over. =)

This would be a great gift for christmas. Not only will you have a gift, you've also given to charity. Contact me for orders. Email me at vangiekhu@yahoo.com.

Thank you in advanced for your generosity.

Windy Night

Brother and family arrived last Thursday from the province. They will be here till Sunday. Missing my siblings and niece, we decided to have dinner together. We agreed to meet up at the restaurant.

I think either a low pressure area or a typhoon was on its way in then. Wind was blowing pretty hard. I parked Boyd on the parking lot next to the restaurant and on my way from the parking lot to the restaurant, I realised that I could feel the wind in my hair!

What is more amazing is that there is resistance and on top of that, my hair's going with the direction of the wind. Yipee!

We Can't Serve

A picture of some of the I Can Serve girls who play badminton every Tuesday at Yonex Philippines Badminton Club. We are the survivors and warriors! We call our selves the I Can't Serve girls.

Stumped

When people ask me "So, how are you?". I can easily answer "I'm good" or "I'm fine, thank you" with a smile. But when I'm asked "So, are you cancer free?", I would usually open and close my mouth without making a sound. I'm stumped. I do not know what to say.

During my treatment, I have a ready answer of "I'm working on it" to that cancer free question. Now, after the treatments, I really don't know. I would really love to answer "yes" but I can't say for sure. My oncologist have not yet ordered a CT scan or a bone scan. And I don't know if I need to do those tests.

There are times when my scar would give me some short, sharp painful moments. I would say it's like being bitten by an ant - sometimes the ant is a giant one; sometimes it's an army of ants, taking turns throughout the day. And paranoia would set in. Thoughts would range from "Oh, no! It's cancer again" to "I'm going to die today". I'd physically shake my head as if to shake these thoughts off.

So, am I cancer free? I guess an educated answer is "No". I may be in remission, but I will have to forever live with cancer, whether I like it or not.

Rainy Day

It has been raining non stop since wednesday night. It is not your pouring heavy rain, just intermittent drizzling and then a few minutes of heavy downpour.

Having to commute yesterday, I decided to dress sensibly - jeans, shirt and rubber shoes (so I can sidestep puddles and avoid car splashes nimbly). And of course, I have an umbrella with me.

I was a really funny sight going home. I was laughing my head off all by myself on my way home. Picture this: Me walking along the main road, skirting puddles of water, with an umbrella that has scoliosis (the handle/main frame is bent out of shape). Two blocks away from the office, my right shoe felt funny; I felt something flopping. Oh dear, it's the sole. Faced with a choice of going back to the office to change into slippers or just walking on to the jeepney stop, I decided to forge ahead to the jeepney stop.

A few steps later, the left shoe felt funny, too. It seems that left shoe does not want to be outdone by the right shoe. I checked and saw it grinning at me. Oh, lordy! So there I was, trudging along between puddles of water, right shoe (heel part) flipping, left shoe (toe part) flapping. Before I even got to the jeepney stop, the right sole completely fell off. So there I was, in the rain, with a scoliotic umbrella, deciding what to do. I picked up the sole (don't ask me why) and then I ripped off the sole on left shoe. Ahhh...walking straight again. From there until the jeepney stop, there was no further mishap. By the way, I threw away both soles.

I have to get off the FX (Toyota AUVs converted into public transportation) and walk another block before I reach home. As I was crossing the street to reach the apartment, I almost tripped; I looked back to see what it was that I stepped on, er, left behind - sure enough, it was another portion of my left shoe!

Well, I did get home in one piece, my shoes weren't so lucky. They got home in PIECES! Time to get new shoes? You think?

Let's Count

It has been:

296 days since I did the self breast exam that found the mass on my left breast
262 days since I was diagnosed to have breast cancer
253 days since I was operated on
81 days since my last chemotherapy cycle
42 days since my last radiotherapy treatment
19 days since I started taking tamoxifen

These are just numbers to all. But these numbers will always be with me; for they are the numbers that defined my life. These numbers have taught me a lot - patience, courage, resiliency, living, loving, sharing, keeping a straight head, etc.

And oh, yeah,

17 days until the girls' grand week!

All right!!!!

Gratitude Wall

On September 25, 2005, around 300 to 400 people will be trooping to Edsa Shangri-la Plaza Hotel's Garden Ballroom to attend the Silver Linings. As of last Saturday, the pre-registered headcount was already around 250 people. I know that not all will be able to make it but we think that we can expect around 300 people at the least.

One of the event's highlights will be the gratitude wall for the survivors and perhaps their loved ones. There's already an entry expressed in form of a prayer.

Me, I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for. I am still thinking of how to go about writing an entry, or if I should even have an entry for that matter. Do I share with the public? Or do I just keep it private? But then again, I think I must express my gratitude. Just how or when the inspiration will hit me, I don't know. Maybe I should just write from the heart.

Baby

Little girls always want to be like their moms. Or at least when they're less than 7 years old. They would tinker around with their mom's stuff - make up, shoes, bags, dresses.

Maxine's not different. As the family is eagerly waiting for the second bundle of joy, Max goes around telling everyone who would care to listen that she also "have baby in her tummy". She'd even get mad if her nanny touches her tummy.

This is funny now that Max's only two years old. But I think it's already giving my brother nightmares as he imagine hearing the same words fifteen years from now! Heaven forbid!

Greetings

Walk into a department store, fast food chain, and other shops inside a mall, and you'll surely be greeted by the employees. It is usually an all encompassing "Good morning/afternoon/evening, Ma'am, Sir". Understandable if the people being greeted is a couple. But most of the time, the employees just mouth the words without thinking while going on about other tasks.

When you are at the receiving end, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's annoying, sometimes, you raise an eyebrow and wonder if those people really saw you. For me, I'd rather they not greet me if it is out of reflex (?) or muscle memory. I don't like people greeting me if they are not sincere. More so nowadays.

When I was bald and always had a hat on, I was never mistaken for a guy. Now that my hair's grown and I go without a hat, I am sometimes addressed as "sir". This has happened a couple of times. In both instances, the person greeting me never really saw me, just an automatic reflex. And when they turn their attention to me, they realize their mistake and turns red in the face.

Good day, sir! er, ma'am!

At Last

Of course the test is not mine! *LOL*

I got this picture along with an email from a friend in the US. They have been trying to get pregnant since the day they got married (I think). And now, after some years (4? 5? 6?), they finally made it! It is one of the best news I had this year. I am soooooo happy for them! They are one of the nicest couple I know and I honestly believe that they will be very good parents. Babies are such blessings.

Congratulations, my friends! Here's to (a) healthy baby/babies! *toast* Twins too?

A Movie and A Cop

Our weekly meeting was cancelled last Monday, suddenly leaving the night free. I called up Olive and asked her if she wanted to watch a movie. She said yes. So, we went to Rockwell to watch "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants".

When the movie was over, I saw my face in the mirror. I laughed. My nose was red from crying rivers of tears over the movie, most especially over the character Bailey, a 12 year old girl with leukemia.

It was surprisingly good. Although I knew that it will be a chick flick, I never anticipated it to be that good since the story revolves around four teenage girls. The movie was worth the trip to Makati.

Earlier in the afternoon, before leaving the office, I thought that I should really put up my car registration stickers. I got it since July and still haven't found time (actually, I always forget) to stick them. I started to take off the old registration sticker but then decided to do it on Tuesday since it was starting to rain then.

On our way home from the movie, two blocks from home, and a patrol car was behind me, sirens on. I move to the right to let it pass. But when it came alongside, the policeman waved at me to pull over. While waving, I saw (and heard; a bit muffled) him say the words to his partner "Pare, babae pala" (it's a girl). I smiled; vanity getting the better of me - pleased that even with my short hair, they know that I'm a gal. The police did not even bothered to ask for my license and/or registration. He just wanted to know where my car registration stickers are. I showed the cop the stickers and he let me go - after telling me to stick them on so that I won't be delayed/flagged down in the future. Yes, sir! No problem.

I should follow my instincts, hehehe. And yes, I put them up yesterday.

Time

Lately, I find myself being swamped with work. Gone are the days that I can sit back, relax and enjoy (is there such a thing?) my work day. Since July, work's been steadily piling up. But I manage to accomplish things on time. Juggling work and doctor's appointments is kinda hard, but I managed.

Today is no exception. It is only now (5pm) that I managed to take a breather. First thing I realised - I forgot to take my tamoxifen! Oh, no! I asked my doctors (2 of them) if it's okay to take it even if my usual medication time is at 1pm. Well, it turns out that taking the medication at the exact same time everyday is just to establish a pattern and to help me remember. Whew!

Well, I'm not complaining about my work load. I just want to get as much work done as possible (and out of the way) before I go on leave come October 3! *Teeheehee* Lapit na! 28 na tulog na lang! (28 more days to go!) Woohoo!

My only regret is that I tend to forget what I want to write on my blog. Stories, anecdotes, frustrations and gratitudes, sometimes forgotten and gone (hopefully not forever), and then I'd remember some of them when I'm busy and can't access my blog. Oh, dear! I'm getting "chemo" brain!

Rock Star INXS

As I've said before, I'm not really into rock music. So when the reality TV series Rock Star INXS aired, I never really cared enough to watch.

Olive, on the other hand, tries to follow the series as much as she can; and in the past two or three weeks, I find myself watching along with her. My favorite thus far is Marty Casey's version of Britney Spears song "Hit Me Baby One More Time". His is wwwwwaaaaaayyyyyyyyy better than Spears, actually.

Now, I think I'm hooked.

B Sports

So, I went bowling. Of course, badminton can't be far behind.

Yesterday, I played badminton again, the first time in months. I played with some friends from the breast cancer support group. There were five of us and we had two hours of court time. Yep, we played till we dropped. I felt quite exhilarated after the games. But today, my body's screaming. I guess I played too much.

Best of all, I was sweating. And this time, it is not sweat from hot flushes (or is it spelled flashes?) but from exercise! Happiness!

Bowling

Sometime last week, I suddenly thought of going bowling. It's been a long time, maybe it was still in the 20th century, since I last bowled. Last Friday, with nothing on the agenda, I went bowling with a friend.

Of course, the prices were shocking once again. What used to be a PhP 12.00 game is now PhP85.00! Wow! It really was last century since my last game! *LOL*

Games went from best, better, and totally sucked. Wish it could be the other way around, though. But, hey, it was fun.

Gie and Lei, let's go bowling in October!

Answer to The Big Question

Yes. I'm going to take tamoxifen. In fact, I'm on my 2nd day now.

I went to see my oncologist last Thursday and I had an impromptu lecture on the statistics of tamoxifen. As per studies, incidence of endometrial cancer as a result of taking tamoxifen is at 2.5%. A chance I believe is low enough to warrant a pretty much worry free 5 years of tamoxifen ingestion. I also got an email from an OB-GYN/GYN Onco doctor from the breast cancer egroup stating the pros and cons of taking tamoxifen. Well, the pros far outweigh the cons. So, Here I am, happily popping the "controversial" pills.

I am thinking of switching OB-GYNs. I think I'd be better off managed by an OB-GYN/Onco. At least that doctor would know for sure what to do as this will be their field of specialty and sub specialty. And I would also not be going off the deep end from time to time over nothing.

The Big Question

I went to see an OB-GYN last saturday as per my oncologist's advise. I would need to see one every year as part of my yearly check up. Since we want to induce amennorhea with the treatments and medication, I thought it best to establish a baseline before taking Tamoxifen.

It was not really a pleasant visit to the doctor as I was quite shocked when my OB-GYN asked when am I having my hysterectomy! Waaaaiiiiiitttt a minute!!!! TIME OUT! TIME OUT! TIME OUT! What hysterectomy? Am I the right patient? I almost went into hysterics when I heard "hysterectomy". Can I give a new definition to the word? Hysterectomy means having a person going into hysterics. Ha! Ha! Ha! and Hah!

Back to business on hand. She said that it is best for breast cancer survivors who are under 40 y.o. who are going to take or taking Tamoxifen. Her explanation is that for pre-menopausal women, taking Tamoxifen to induce menopause will thicken one's uterine lining. And if there's no menstruation, the lining would not be shed/flushed out of the body. Thickening of the lining leads to a higher incidence of uterine cancer for pre-menopausal women. Since I'm also PR (progesterone receptor) positive, giving me progesterone to induce menstruation even for just 3 or 4 times a year is also out of the question as it might also trigger recurrence. So, for a supposedly worry free of Tamoxifen laden five years, it is "highly recommended" that I have that hysterectomy!

I would have stayed and argued with the doctor for the entire afternoon had I was able to keep my wits around me at the time. As it is, I ran out of steam after an hour and fifteen minutes. Since it will be me who will be having that hysterectomy, I think the doctor have a decidedly unfair advantage in the "great debate". So, I left her clinic, mind agog with all the information that was just fed to me.

Let's go to the other end of the spectrum. The way I understood the explanation given to me by my oncologist, taking Tamoxifen will reduce in half the remaining percentage of possible recurrence. This roughly translate to another 1% to 3% reduced probability of recurrence. I am also told that if after a month of taking Tamoxifen, and for some reason that it would not work for me (it will be reflected in the liver function test that I am to take after a month of Tamoxifen), I am to stop taking it. And that there are studies that with Stage 1 survivors, the survival rate of those who took Tamoxifen and who didn't is the same.

It seems that for the OB-GYNs, having your menstruation while on Tamoxifen is ok; but for the oncologists, menstruation is a no-no. My dilemma now is this: is the additional 1% to 3% chance of reduced recurrence worth the hysterectomy? Just the thought of another operation is enough to make me climb up the walls (oh, no! not another meltdown!). When I talked to Dad about it last night, he's dead set against hysterectomy. He said hysterectomy is so final. If I am to have that operation, there's no turning back.

I will be going back to my oncologist this Thursday to talk it out and weigh the pros and cons again. I am also considering consulting another OB-GYN. In the meantime, I will just go out WITH my mind! =) *LOL*

And I thought that the tough parts are over! Well, we do learn something new everyday.

Silver Linings

This is the invitation to the FIRST (ever) national breast cancer forum here in the Philippines. It's going to be a one day affair to be held at the Garden Ballroom of the Edsa Shangri-La Hotel.

Putting this event together is no mean feat, but the Founder and President of I Can Serve Foundation, Kara Magsanoc-Alikpala is currently trying to move mountains and molehills for it to be a successful one. What is amazing is that the movers and shakers of this foundation all have day jobs, and yet they are able to squeeze in planning an event of this magnitude. This, plus manning the hotline themselves, handling the egroup, etc., no wonder most of them are so skinny! (Hmmm...maybe I should be more active???)

I am awed by the dedication of these women. Maybe, we share the sentiment that we do not want others to suffer the mental, emotional and physical exhaustion that comes with cancer. And if we are powerless to stop the disease, then maybe we can arm other women with information about breast cancer. I do not know exactly what to do, but I will think of something.

When I met up with Kara last Tuesday night to finalize our christmas fund-raiser. We will be selling calendars, proceeds of which will go to the foundation. We hope to sell enough copies so that we may raise enough funds for at least ONE (1) chemo treatment of a patient! This may not sound like much, but I learned that the foundation do things gradually (often in a small scale) for funds are always scarce, so every project would have to be planned carefully. Cancer is not really a popular cause to support, for it is the common notion that when the word cancer is uttered, it means death. And as human nature goes, death is not exactly on the top of the list of anyone's favorite topic.

As it is, the September event is still short of funding. With the country's economy going the way it is, monetary sponsorships are hard to come by. I promised Kara I'll try to pitch in with the effort of coming up with some sponsors, but I really don't know where to begin, much less know how to solicit. As my friends could attest, I find it extremely difficult to ask for anything from anyone. But I will bite the bullet and thicken my skin, I will see what I can do. And maybe help other breast cancer patients and survivors find their silver lining.

Going...

It's just two weeks after my last bout of radiation and yet my skin on the treated area is starting to lighten. I am much much surprised, for I am waiting for the skin to peel off - just like when one gets a sunburn.

Well, it did peel, but it comes off in flakes rather than whole sections of skin. Do I sound disappointed??? *LOL*

Well, I think a lot of factors contributed to this. First, there was the Biafine RE cream (thanks to the relentless efforts of Jedi Ambo in procuring some for me) and then there's the cream that my dermatologist gave me to use together with Biafine. Last, but not the least, I think I can thank my genes for - my lack of those darkening pigments, melanin.

It could be that I'm lucky to have so much Biafine cream at my disposal. I finished 4 tubes! I think I went overboard with it. My other "classmates" in RT finished only 1 tube (of the ordinary Biafine) or less, at most 1-1/2! But their skin got burned so bad. The way my skin looked after the 7 weeks of treatment is exactly how their skin looked by the 3rd week of treatment. I know I sound like I'm bragging a bit here, but I'm not, believe me. I'm just so wowed by the Biafine RE cream!

Separation Anxiety

Funny, I never thought that I would experience separation anxiety!

I have been so looking forward to the day when I can go hatless again. Now that my hair's grown back to a decent thickness, I have been reluctant to part with my hats. But I finally did it - last Sunday. It is yet another milestone for me, to go out in public with no hat on.

I knew in my heart that as early as two weeks ago, I could have gone hatless. But I kept putting it off, making excuses that my hair's still too thin, that I still have slightly bald patches on some parts, that people will stare if I take of my hat, etc. My rationale then (when I was still bald) was that if I can start using shampoo, then I can go hatless. When the moment of truth arrived, I chickened out and did it two weeks after.

Reality bites and I realized how funny I am to be so anxious. I can plaster my face (with and without hair) on this blog, practically daring the world to make fun of me. And yet, in real life, I could barely part with my hats. I knew people won't give me a second look with my new 'do, and I was proven right. =) I even kid around and declare that I already need a haircut as my hair's already touching my ears.

And so I say goodbye to my hats! Well, maybe not totally, I might still use them once in a while...

The Gift of Giving and Living

Last week, Mavic sent me an email informing me that she will be walking for me this year in the annual fund raising activity called "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer". She even made a web page to make it easier for people to make contributions. So far, she's reached more than half her goal. Thanks, Mavic! This means a lot!

Giving to cancer research as well as charitable institutions suddenly starts making sense to me. When one person gives, another get to live.

Hectic

It's been a hectic week, with work persistenty getting in the way (somehow this statement sounds wrong and at the same time right). It's only today that I am finding time to sit down and blog, even then, it's time stolen, just me wanting to vent a little.

Monday, I went to have my blood extracted to have some lab test done for my Tuesday check-up. I don't know if one can view blood extraction as a good way to start the week (on hindsight today, it's probably not, it's been bloody hell) but the good news is that the person got blood on the first try, and on a vein on my right arm at that! My veins are still way thin compared to the ones on the left arm, so it was a big relief to be able to have blood extracted on the first go.

Tuesday, the internet connection at the office was down. Trying to call the hotline of PLDT's DSL service is like having your wisdom tooth pulled out without anesthesia. I tried calling all day but I was never able to connect to an operator, just the machine. At least my check-up went well. My oncologist just told me what to she wants me to do for the next couple of months. Tests are still not yet scheduled as the good doctor wants me to have a rest from all those tests and needles I faced this year. I unwind at the end of the day by watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (superb movie, a must-see!).

Wednesday got the boss on my case, since there's still no internet connection at the office. Duh? He made it sound as if I'm the one responsible that there's no connection! I finally got to talk to an operator at the service request center of PLDT. When asked if there were any maintenance work being done with the server, the operator just replied that he would put in a service request. Hhhmmm...I think something's wrong with their server, as there's also no connection at home.

Thursday went by in a blur, the internet connection's finally up, both at home and at work. I can't remember now how the day went but I remembered watching season 3 of The Apprentice. And then I fell asleep right before the boardroom and the firing scene. Asus! Hmp!

Friday was a headache. Some people in this office meddle too much, wanting to stick their thumbs in everyone's pie, even if it is NOT their business. That plus the not at all brilliant (I'm am being VERY kind in this description, believe me) work left to me by the last colleague who handled the HR pretty much left things in a big mess. So, I am now playing the mop up crew, trying to sort out this shit that people around me created.

Today, I arrived at the office with more very undesirable events happening, courtesy of another colleague. Well, it was just 10 o'clock in the morning then, but that did not stop me from shooting down the person involved. I did not care that the boss was just standing a few feet away, I was berating them for not being able to follow the simplest of instructions. Well, I can only take so much.

Strangely enough, throughout the whole week, I never experienced the blood pumping, blood pressure raising feeling that I used to get in times like this. It is as if I am involved and yet somehow detached. Maybe not wanting to succumb to feel the pressure helps. I am hoping that next week things here at the office won't be as messy as this one is. Hey, after being down, what other way is there but up?

Celebration

I celebrated the end of my treatments yesterday. From the hospital, I played hooky and went to Rustan's Makati to attend the "Look Good, Feel Good" activity of I Can Serve. This activity is for breast cancer patients and survivors. Rustan's provide a resource person to teach the attendees how to look good (using make up), and with looking good, make them feel good.

The activity have already started when I got there. The attendees were the women from PGH, with ages ranging from 45 to 65, perhaps 70 years old. To see these women enjoying themselves, putting on make up, laughing and ribbing each other, makes me happy. For a few hours, they can forget their daily troubles and just enjoy being with friends. I just sat there and watched them, basking in their happiness. It was a just a very peaceful feeling.

The activity ended around 5PM. I am meeting up with Au, Arlette and Dion 730PM. I took advantage of the waiting time and turned it to some "me time", I went around Glorietta, and end up doing some shopping (finally got a top to go with the orange cap I got as a gift ).

The icing on the cake came sometime before 730, while cooling my heels in a coffee shop, I got a text message from my brother with some great news. It was a glorious day indeed.

Finally!

Finally, I'm done! I'm done! Hurray! *turning imaginary cartwheels*

It was a heartstopping moment when I got to the hospital yesterday morning for my final dose of radiation therapy. For the past three weeks, patient load have considerably lightened. So, when I saw the number of patients in line, I was on the verge of panic.

Oh, no! Not on my last day, please...

As I suspected, the machine had broke down again. I breathe a sigh of relief when I found out it was up and running again after two hours. Whew! that was close. And so, I "graduated" again.

I also had my final check up with my radio-onco. I don't need to see her again. She told me to just see my medical oncologist as they both will be asking me to do the same lab work and other stuff. Good! At least I don't have to wait twice for the same thing.

Game of Tag

Okay, okay. I will play along, having been tagged by Mavic and Olive, I'll do this before somebody else tagged me again. =) oh, the pressure!

Game 1
The rule is: what are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it to your journal… and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs.

1. Take a walk. As walking here in Manila is kinda hazardous, taking a walk is a challenge. I used to drive to UP and walk around the academic oval. One had the company of other people who are either jogging or cycling, making me feel safe. I have yet to do this again this year as I have been sidelined by the big C. Soon, very soon!

2. Take a long drive. This usually just means Tagaytay. But on the rare occassion that I need to go to Angeles City (work related), I love the drive.

3. Read a book or spend an afternoon in the bookstore.

4. Do my crosstitch. Explore other crafts that I can possible dabble in.

5. Veg out at the beach. Although these are far and few in between.

6. Watch 2 movies in a row.

Game 2
The Game of threes

Names you go by:
1. Vangie
2. Vanj
3. 'te Vanj

Screen names you have had:
1. Petunia
2. Miss Piggy
3. Bianca

Physical things you like about yourself:
1. Hair (then and now)
2. Teeth
3. *bleeep*

Physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Height (wishing I could be a couple of inches taller)
2. my flabby tummy
3. my flabby arms

Parts of your heritage:
1. Chinese
2. Cagayanon (Cagayan de Oro) ?
3. Manileña (lived here more than half of my life) ?

Things that scare you:
1. Disappointing my parents
2. Leaving this world without making a difference (maybe not on a grand scale, but at least making SOME)
3. Escalators - go figure!

Everyday essentials:
1. Laughter
2. Living
3. Learning

Favorite musical artists:
1. David Lanz
2. Rod Stewart (the balladeer, not the rocker)
3. Enya

Favorite songs:
1. Behind the Waterfalls by David Lanz
2. A Whiter Shade of Pale by David Lanz
3. If We Fall In Love Tonight by Rod Stewart

Things you want in a relationship:
1. Respect
2. Trust
3. Unconditinal acceptance

Lies and truths in no particular order:
LIES:
1. I don't hold grudges
2. Fighting cancer was a breeze
3. I like bearded guys

TRUTH:
1. We can't change a person's nature, we can just influence them
2. Don't break my trust in you
3. I'm pretty easy to get along with

Physical things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. Height
2. Butt
3. Eyes

Favorite hobbies:
1. Cross Stitching
2. Travelling
3. Bookstore browsing

Things you want to do really badly now:
1. See my friends that I haven't seen for a long time
2. Play badminton
3. Play badminton

Careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Forensic Scientist
2. Tailor
3. Be an filthy rich heiress - what? this is not a career???

Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Italy
2. Thailand
3. Shanghai - to see a dear friend!

Kid's names you like:
1. Drew
2. Trevor
3. Maxine (this name was actually on Olive's, my brother's and my list when my niece's name was being picked out)

Things you want to do before you die:
1. Travel the world
2. Have my own company
3. Make a difference in someone's life

Ways that you are stereotypically female:
1. I pay attention to details
2. I love bags
3. I like to keep things in their place

Ways that you are steriotypically male:
1. I can speed shop
2. I like checking out appliances
3. I like my beer

Three people I admire:
1. my dad
2. my mom
3. Lance Armstrong

*Sigh* This thing sure rocks your brain! And I rather not tag anyone... but feel free to jump in and give your version! =)

Shampoo Commercial?

As promised, picture/s of me with my new 'do!

Sequence here can be good for a shampoo commercial.




Tears of joy (?) that I will be shampooing again?!!





Of course, we have to show what shampoo I will use to wipe away the tears. I chose a baby shampoo for my baby hair! *LOL*




So, here I am, a happy customer. No more tears, no more fears! =)

Life's Lottery

Upon reaching the hospital yesterday afternoon, there were only two patients in line before me. It should have been a short wait but the machine broke down and is being repaired. So, I sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area.

A fellow patient strike up a conversation with me. By and by, his wife came and joined in the conversation. I found out that this is his fourth recurrence. His cancer started in his nose cavity ten years ago. Since then, it had came back time and again. This time around, the cancer have spread to his lungs, liver and bones. He's on his final four radiation treatment and is in constant pain. After which, he will be resting for two months and then it's chemotherapy again. Mr. L, the patient, said he's getting tired of all the medication, it is too taxing on his body.

I found out a while later that his oncologists have already given up on him since the cancer have already reached his vital organs. He won't be having chemotherapy again. His wife just told him that to keep from him the extent of the disease. Mr. L does not drink nor smoke. He eats a healthier diet than his wife. No family history of cancer, too.

Mr. and Mrs. L are very nice people. It is in times like these that it really pains me to see life's mysteries at work. It makes me sad. Before we parted ways, they both told me with all belief and conviction in their hearts that I will be well, a hundred percent. It is like they wanted to hand me a certification of guarantee that I will be well. And I bet they would, too, if they could.

Life's lottery - who knows what you'll be getting next?

Play Date

Last weekend, my brother flew in together with my sister-in-law and niece. Since both of the adults have to attend a drug launch Friday night, our (Olive's and mine) services as babysitters were tapped.

Oh, goody! Play date with Max! Knowing that Max does not take to unfamiliar persons easily, I got some "bribe toys" from the office. I got some kitchenware set and a set of Play-Doh modelling compound.

The toys were a big hit! Olive and I gave up long before Max got tired of playing. While playing, Max would break out into songs and chatted incessantly, talking to us, asking us questions about the show on tv. That kid can put the Windows OS to shame!

We also got a dose of her never ending sentences.
Max: Twako! Why is Diko on the floor?
Me: Diko's sleeping.
Max: 'Coz?
Me: 'Coz she's tired.
Max: To?
Me: To? What to?
then the kid smiled and break into laughter!

It was an amazing weekend. In a span of 3 days, we were able to interact with Max, learned a lot about her, talked, laughed and played with her. Makes us adore her all the more. That kid got us wrapped around her tiny fingers!

Yellow Jersey No. 7

Lance Armstrong at the Tour de France Podium receiving his 7th (and last) Tour de France title. That's going out in style and definitely with a bang! Hat's off!

25

Today is July 25.

Exactly five months ago (February 25), I had my last shampoo before I shave off my hair.

Today, I had my first shampoo. Hooray!

I finally got to buy my baby shampoo yesterday - amid teasing from family and friends . They said I should have a picture taken while picking out the shampoo. I retorted that I should be crying while I take the bottle off the shelf! We all had a laugh.

Today is also the 25th session of my radiotherapy. What a coincidence! =)

Technicians

As of today, I have finished five weeks (24 sessions) of radiotherapy. 2 more weeks (9 sessions) to go and I'll be celebrating the end of my "active" treatments. After that will be just drugs and check-ups.

I have been removing my blouse for 4 guys all these 5 weeks (and also for the next 2 weeks) for 5 days each week. They are the technicians who operate the machine that gives me my daily dose of radiation. All are very professional and courteous. Let's call them A, D, G and J.

J is the chatty one; he knows quite a lot about the patients and asks a lot of questions - but never offensive in nature or context. G is the most reserved of the lot. He quitely goes about his work but sometimes the talking bug bites him and he'll crack jokes and share with you some stories. D is the most "playful" one. He'd exchange banters with you while you're checking how long is the line before you. A, I seldom see, but he was the one who treated me today.

D and A both love to sing, that much I know. D once broke out into a song while preparing the machine for treatment. Singing falsetto - "I'm every woman..." - coming from a skinhead 5'7" or 5'8" guy who weighs around 180 to 200 pounds, it's kinda eerie and at the same time funny. And he's not at all a "woman".

A was singing while treating me. If not for the melody, I would not have recognized the song. He was singing, alternating between his voice and falsetto, "wa wa chu pee... pi po chu pee... and love me dying...wa!" Maybe he jest; for a little later he was singing the same thing again, but this time with the right lyrics. "War, war is stupid, people are stupid and love means nothing, in some strange quarters...War!" Well, it's a new version of The War Song of Culture Club. Quite entertaining *LOL*

Unbelievable

My hair is now a bit short of half an inch. I may have to buy shampoo soon. Maybe baby shampoo for my baby hair. I will post picture soon, promise!

This morning, I woke up early because I plan to bring my car to the office. Since it is my "coding" day (if your car plate ends in a certain number, then on certain days, you can't ply the streets from 7 to 10AM, and then 3 to 7PM; although there are some cities in the metro that you can't use your car from 7AM to 7PM), I have to leave the house by 6:30 at the latest.

Still groggy from sleep, barely able to open my eyes, I plod on to the bathroom to prepare for work. Imagine my amazement when I saw hair in the mirror. Nothing special maybe, it's just that the right side has a 90 degree angle halfway. The lower half is flat (probably because I lay on my side while sleeping) and the top half just standing merrily. I tried to fluff the lower half and flatten the other half. Nothing worked.

I have barely half an inch hair and yet I am having a bad hair day!

Oh, yeah. I solved the problem by wetting my hair and fluff it with the towel. Afterwhich, it got squashed with my hat. Why do I even bother?